Beer league Players

[Bane 1]

Just a fun forward that another player sent to me.

It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in Canada:

summer and hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the

former starts with the hoisting of the Stanley Cup, as fans in an

American city celebrate.

The latter officially kicks off after Labour Day weekend.

In fact, there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers

across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel

decisions in time for the September dawn of a new season. Granted,

the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names

like "Old Puckers", "Rusty Blades", "Just the Tips" and "Nine-Inch

Males," but don't be fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be

downright tricky to put together. As with any successful

organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from

the following beer-league player categories:

Which one are you???

The Ringer

Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option.

Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way,

without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is

convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be

accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring

glory and awe-inspired teammates.

Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple

math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else

gets a shot at the "DD" Division title.

The Young Guy

At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the

young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or

college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and

that means an office job.

The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year.

Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying

catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just

another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard,

kid.

The Old Guy

Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though

his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood

stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player,

especially if he's a wily old guy -- a hook here and a chop there,

because that's how they did it when professional athletes were

real men. "Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an

ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a

shift."

The Tardy Goalie

Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the

first. Not

like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your

time, dickhead.

The Beginner

Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have

to admire the

beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new

equipment, and

take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn

to take a pass,

man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake.

How does that knock you

over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention

the Beginner shows up at

every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night

playoff game

at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.

The Complete Psycho

Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a

cop or

fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything:

running the goalie,

challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the

repertoire. Do not feed

the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He

wants to hunt. And, look

to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.

The Naked Guy

Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy

to stretch

their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit

of underwear. Not

the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and

you had better

maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or

come face to face with

the swinging sausage.

The Guy with the New Girlfriend

An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to

load up on a few of

these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to

three games,

tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's

and it's not like

you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That

said, beware that the

guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the

guy with the new

wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.

The Organizer

This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could

be bothered to

do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play.

Is

frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let

alone take a

pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice

guy. Is often

heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one

was my fault'

and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like

'No worries

Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is

really thinking is 'Hey

Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes

you are right,

that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is

usually smart

enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.

The Minor Hockey Allstar

Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with

reasonably good skills

but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture.

This guy topped

out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge

blinders attached to

his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down

the wing,

(no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind

the net (hey

dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes), then

into the next

corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch)

followed by a

blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for

the other

team. Cut this guy.

The Johnny Try Hard

Great to have on your team but they suck to play against

because they

have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously

good shape.

They were probably the star on their high school hockey

team and won

athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball

and track all

in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the

'Running

Room'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which

if caught off

guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.

The Stanley Cup Champion

This player will raise their hands and cheer when they

score. If this

is an opposing player you must nip this behavior in the bud

by catching

him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him

to blow snot

bubbles. If t his player is on your team quickly chastise

him in front of

the other team to let them know that this is not how the

rest of your

team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by

retrieving the puck

from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to

him in front

of the other team.

The Tough Guy

This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never

been in a fight

and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice.

In extreme

cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact

that your beer

league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false

sense of

courage. What t his guy does not realize is that this will

not prevent

someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the

wrong guy.

There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which

all end with

him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and

crying.

The Wrong Guy

Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This

guy shows up,

doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar

screen. The kid

that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his

name up on

Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355

PIMS in the

East Coast League 3 years ago.

The Gary Roberts

Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one

of your

better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level

of play. At

the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly

and at the

worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a

bunch of

house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a

certain way and

despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back

checking or positional

assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of

'unfinished

business' from his previous hockey career and is

looking to capture some

shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is

probably

better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.

[Chadd 916]

http://www.modsquadhockey.com/forums/index...showtopic=41954