LegoDoom 0 Report post Posted January 10, 2006 New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you didn't particularly like them in the first place! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn!New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "lucky little bastards".New Rule 4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.New Rule 6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket and it costs more than gasoline for crying out loud. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let the ice melt. Now you've got some decent, flavored water.New Rule 7: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.New Rule 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh buddy, you're a huge a$$hole.New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? Who gives a $hit - put it in a bag so I can get out of here.New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo is a butterfly with Chinese characters under it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above your left tit and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry forM&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.New Rule 13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.New Rule 14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.New Rule 15: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.New Rule 16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese, and I didn't care in the first place. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flyerguy91 0 Report post Posted January 10, 2006 and thats real, another to add:Blue Collar anything is dead, stop it. its all an act you all fell for it. leave it alone. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
beaver5 1 Report post Posted January 10, 2006 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAoh myi love the eyebrow one Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
donkey87 0 Report post Posted January 10, 2006 :D :D funny Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TCsnipes9 0 Report post Posted January 10, 2006 hahaha awesome! i found my self laughing at the last one pretty hard, cuz that bugs the hell outa me too! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Squirrel 0 Report post Posted January 10, 2006 Hahaha, thats good :lol: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Project_2501 0 Report post Posted January 10, 2006 I love it. Mind if I copy it and print it out? (I'll add your name to the bottom of course). Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nick23 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2006 Haha classic, i think thats going on my in my bathroom, something for people to read when taking a dump, or in the hockey changing room! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EBondo 233 Report post Posted January 11, 2006 Oh my God, that, was amazing. I love it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bruin88 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2006 beleive it or not 13/14 year olds shave Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EBondo 233 Report post Posted January 11, 2006 I'm 15 and shave once a week, or I start to look like a Mexicano Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RadioGaGa 162 Report post Posted January 11, 2006 I love it. Mind if I copy it and print it out? (I'll add your name to the bottom of course). I got his in an e-mail a couple days ago...it was credited to George Carlin.Who's list is this? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bruin88 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2006 I'm 15 and shave once a week, or I start to look like a Mexicano me too ,ive been shaving since last year Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
