Need Advice

[nemo 0]

I haven't posted on here in awhile but visit this site daily.

I recently have been going through a tough time. Without going into to many details, my girlfriend (yes I am also a girl, long story, not actually gay but just fell in love with my bestfriend) of three years broke up with me out of the blue two days after christmas. She told me that she didnt love me anymore because I didnt do the little things that I used to for her.

In reality I was working over 70 hours a week to pay for all the bills because she worked with people with disabilities and didnt get paid a lot of money to do it. I thought that by supporting her financially and being able to pay the bills and ensure she always had good clothes and food to eat was doing alot.

After a couple of days she told me to come back home because she missed and loved me so I went, I tried to pull out all the stops and show her how much I cared and did little romantic things for her. I even got us 8 games to the World Juniors to go watch. It took me awhile to notice but she was messaging this girl from our hockey team non-stop, it sort of bothered me but me but me and that other girl were really good friends so I didnt think much of it. After the game on new years we came home and my girlfriend ended up leaving at 2 am to go pick up that other girl and didnt come back home till 6 am. I didnt know what to think, she told me she got tired and ended up sleeping on the side of the road. The next day she broke up with me and told me I needed to have everything out of the house in 2 days.

Once I moved out I found out that the other girl had been staying there, I was absolutely devasted because it seems like something had been going on between the 2 for about a month, my ex denied anything did and just said they were best friends...

For the entire month of January she lead me on to believe that we could could get back together, she asked me for money (yes I was stupid and gave it to her), clothes, hockey gear, everything. And I was stupid and gave it to her.

3 weeks ago I found out she is infact dating that other girl. It kills me, I am 25 with a career and goals. Where this other girl is 21 who has had issues for the past year (suicidal) and is that girl who jumps from guy to guy trying to make herself feel better. So needless to say I am just struggling with how she could do this.

I think the worst thing is going through this is all the different emotions, I feel so hurt, betrayed, angry, jealous, confused, lonely and spite. This girl was my bestfriend before we started dating and now I feel so alone.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? I am just having a hard time picking up the pieces.

[Katzenjammer 1]

Nemo,

I'm so sorry when I hear of anyone going through this; probably like many, if not most or all, people here, I've been through this as well. And I know how profoundly painful it can feel - even physically, somehow.

The really difficult thing is this: I say with absolute certainty that things will get better; that as times goes by she'll haunt you less and less; the anger you feel (even about the money, not to mention being "taken advantage of" in other ways) will subside and dwindle to nothing....

I know these things^^ will happen - and yet, no matter who you hear them from, you won't quite believe these things will happen. But they will and you have to trust that.

The truth is, you simply need to slog through this; there's no other way; don't dwell on it but don't try to completely obliterate it/her out of your mind either. And when you come out the other end, I swear to you that things will turn out for the better. They always do. Not only that, but by a kind of amazing alchemy, you will be a better, wiser, stronger person - and lovelier than ever.

All the best,

~katz

[AIREAYE 248]

3 weeks ago I found out she is infact dating that other girl. It kills me, I am 25 with a career and goals. Where this other girl is 21 who has had issues for the past year (suicidal) and is that girl who jumps from guy to guy trying to make herself feel better. So needless to say I am just struggling with how she could do this.

I think the worst thing is going through this is all the different emotions, I feel so hurt, betrayed, angry, jealous, confused, lonely and spite. This girl was my bestfriend before we started dating and now I feel so alone.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? I am just having a hard time picking up the pieces.

Yes, the bolded part describes my ex well. And I can totally relate to the range of emotions that you're feeling. I'm going to support Katz's post fully; you're young and you have a bright future with your career aspirations (wow, I feel old saying that, but I'm younger than you... ), it will be better.

My advice would be to not do or say anything that you will really regret in the future because there will be times when you might feel like taking out your emotions on either yourself or the other people involved. Most of the time it accomplishes nothing and will leave everyone feeling worse. Instead, try to focus on other things, use hockey to let out emotion!

[nemo 0]

Yes, the bolded part describes my ex well. And I can totally relate to the range of emotions that you're feeling. I'm going to support Katz's post fully; you're young and you have a bright future with your career aspirations (wow, I feel old saying that, but I'm younger than you... ), it will be better.

My advice would be to not do or say anything that you will really regret in the future because there will be times when you might feel like taking out your emotions on either yourself or the other people involved. Most of the time it accomplishes nothing and will leave everyone feeling worse. Instead, try to focus on other things, use hockey to let out emotion!

Only problem is they were both on my hockey team, even though I run my team I have let it go to another girl and havent gone to play since everything happened. I just couldnt handle seeing them together at something that her and I used to love to go to.

[wrangler 157]

I recently have been going through a tough time. Without going into to many details, my girlfriend (yes I am also a girl, long story, not actually gay but just fell in love with my bestfriend) of three years broke up with me out of the blue two days after christmas. She told me that she didnt love me anymore because I didnt do the little things that I used to for her.

Yes, most people go through this kind of emotional crisis, though not exactly like yours. Having friends and a sense of humor can help see you through. If you're the kind of person who is generally happy, you'll come through fine; it will just take some time. If you're not, then you might want to consider getting help, for life in general. Feelings from breakups should be strong; it means you can care a lot about someone -- some people can't. Don't pay too much attention to what someone gives as reasons for breaking up. I've found what people say are generally not the real reasons -- sometimes they're kidding themselves, too. Pay more attention to actions than words.

The part I bolded kinda jumped out at me; it sounds like you might want to spend some time working out just who you are.

It sucks that this took away your hockey, too. Hopefully you can find somewhere else to play.

[Davetronz 109]

Only problem is they were both on my hockey team, even though I run my team I have let it go to another girl and havent gone to play since everything happened. I just couldnt handle seeing them together at something that her and I used to love to go to.

Sounds like you've had a pretty tough go, but all things considered, it sounds like you have a promising future and you need to stay positive. What's done is done, nothing can really take that back, right? Be the bigger person, wish the two of them best, and focus on your future in relationships and hockey.

Hopefully where you live there's more hockey available to you. Don't stop playing. You mentioned World Juniors, so I'll take a guess that you're from Calgary like me. There's a TON of female, coed, and pickup hockey in this city. Even hit the ODR to play! (If you are in Calgary and need help finding somewhere to play, let me know and I can try to give you some suggestions - I know the scene pretty well). Keep doing what you love, and use hockey as a way to release some of your tension.

Good luck - and keep your head high.

[chk hrd 164]

Without going into to many details, my girlfriend (yes I am also a girl, long story, not actually gay but just fell in love with my bestfriend) of three years broke up with me out of the blue two days after christmas.

First let me say there is nothing wrong with being gay/lesbian/bisexual. Your statement seems like you are very conflicted in who you really are and that may add to the burden you are carrying and how you relate to other people. Let this relationship go and consider it a life lesson. You are young and have alot left in life to discover and go through; unfortunately there will be heart ache, sadness, death, ect. But for every bad spot there will be many more good spots.

My advice would be to find out who you really are deep inside, not just the outside you show everyone. Make peace with yourself and everything else will fall into place.

[nemo 0]

Thank you all for replying.

I should clarify that the one thing I have learnt about the situation is that I can love a person and it can have nothing to do with gender. I am at peace with that part of the situation.

I just dont know how to handle the betrayl and sorrow. I try and keep my head up but my ex will always find a way to suck me back in without even talking to her. I just dont understand how someone can throw away 3 years for something that may or may not work out.

I have found a shinny time with some old friends from highschool so hopefully tonight I can work alot of this stress out on the ice.

[chk hrd 164]

They can only suck you back in if YOU let them.

[Chadd 916]

They can only suck you back in if YOU let them.

Absolutely correct.

I just dont understand how someone can throw away 3 years for something that may or may not work out.

New relationships are frequently more interesting and "fun" than long term ones at first. Some people get caught up in the new and exciting, and some people change over time. Just because a relationship has lasted three years, doesn't mean it will last forever. In some cases, people grow closer together over time and in some cases they grow apart. Relationships ending is never fun, but hopefully you can take what you've learned and maybe the next one will work out better.

[Jason Harris 31]

The way you've described your circumstances, it reminds me of my first major breakup. I didn't handle it well, and I hope I can convey something to you to help you shorten the process. For at least six months (and probably closer to nine or twelve), I had conversations in my head with my ex at least every five minutes. Loving conversations, angry conversations, pleading conversations, lecturing conversations, you name it. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, I just spent so much energy rehashing that relationship, rather than healing myself. My mother told me that I every time I thought about my former relationship, I should visualize picking up the litter (that thought being the litter) and throwing it into the trash.

I couldn't do it. I think intuitively I feared that throwing the thoughts away was acknowledgement that I was throwing away the hope of reconciliation. Instead, I tortured myself for six to twelve months.

Finally, I came to the realization we weren't right for each other. We were on different pages in our lives. Sure, we both had growing up to do, but even her brother (who's been my best friend for 35 years) would say I was closer to the finished product. She wanted to go out and party, whereas I wanted someone to share my life with.

So here's my input, as hard as this may be for you to read this: In her own way, she's let you know that she's not the right person for you. Yes, it hurts like hell. But the right person wouldn't lie, cheat and steal (or con, as the case may be with her). And if you're like most people, you probably have the feeling of wasted years, but they weren't entirely wasted. You have an opportunity to fix the holes in your personality, to make sure you don't end up in the same situation two years from today; more importantly, you have a better idea of what personality traits you want in the person you want to share your life with.

But, please, take my mother's advice. I didn't, and it cost me months of anguish. Every time you start to think about this, pick it up and throw it into the trash. It will get you to a healthy frame of mind much quicker and make you ready for when somebody who is right for you walks into your life.

[nemo 0]

I have been trying my very best to follow everyones direction. But I am really having a tough time. I have been told that it just takes time and that one day I will wake up okay.

I have been trying to clear my head like Jason said of all the trash but I am finding my mind is the biggest enemy.

[wrangler 157]

Some of us take longer to get through things than others. Some folks even immerse themselves in the pain for a while. There are a lot of different ways people work through this stuff, but eventually get through it.

Look around yourself when you're in public; notice all the other people living their lives. Realize that most of them have been through this kind of pain, and many of them may be dealing with it right now, as you are. Notice that their lives go on, and they get through it. It takes time, but you will, too.

[shooter27 116]

I've always found that doing things that keep your mind busy is the best way to push something like this out of your mind. Throw yourself into something that will capture your attention and not allow your mind to drift (take a class, go to the gym, etc) and it'll keep you from thinking about it too much.