funniest jokes

[ladystorm3 0]

i actually DID search to see if their wer any topics like this, and well i couldnt find any.

i was wondering what the funniest jokes you have ever heard are?

i dont know many, and i just wanted to hear some jokes that would make me laugh.

here are a few :

President Bush is so stupid, he tried to hide in a corner in the Oval Office.

where do you find a guy with no arms or legs?? where u left him

[notorious#29 0]

This may not be the funniest one, but I love it.

A Pirate walked into a bar one day with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender said " Pirate, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" And the Pirate said " Arrr it drives me nuts!"

[RadioGaGa 162]

In the grand pirate tradition...

It was Hallowe'en and a little boy went dressed as a pirate. When his elderly naeighbour answered the door, she looked down at the boy and asked "Very nice, but where are your Bucaneeers?" The boy answered quickly..."On the side of my Buckin' head"

My personal fave.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Athiest, A Dyslexic and An Insomniac?

A: A person who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

[Eazy_b97 1]

Personal favorite

Kid walks upto his dad and asks, whats the difference between "actually" and "potentially"

Dad says "well son, actually means like "real" and potential is what could happen.

Kid gives a blank stare, and says I don't get it

Dad says go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars, kid runs up and asks, sister goes, "yes, of course". He comes back and tells his Dad the answer, the Dad says okay, now go ask you're mom, kid runs out back, asks his mom the same questions to a resounding "in a heartbeat". He comes back and tells his Dad. His Dad sits him down and says now you see, "potentially", you and I are sitting on $2 million dollars, but "actually" we just live with a couple of whores.

[Bruin88 0]

i know how snoop dog keeps his teeth so white ,he uses BLEEEOTCH! and he carrys around an umbrella "fo drizzle"

my favorites the one about 4 guys and 1 bar stool(a bar stool has 4 legs)....you can figure it out for yourself

[Sniper15 0]

I don't think a lot of my awesome jokes would be deemed "appropriate".

[kevinbelt 0]

q. what's brown and sticky?

a. a stick.

the interrupting cow joke is good, too, but you can't write it out very well.

-k

[RadioGaGa 162]

Knock Knock...

...Who's There?

Amy Fischer...

...Amy Fish...

(interupt loudly with "BANG!!!!")

Dated but damn funny.

[Drewhunz 3]

My personal fave.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Athiest, A Dyslexic and An Insomniac?

A: A person who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Don't you mean agnostic instead of Athiest?

[RadioGaGa 162]

It was told to me years ago as Atheist....maybe the person told it wrong, but that is the only way I've ever known it...

Agnostic might be a better choice.

[Fury of One 6]

Here's one of my favorite Polish jokes (no offence since I'm a pollock.)

What do you do when a Polish soldier throws a grenade at you?

-Pull the pin and throw it back.

[Jason Harris 31]

Two. The clean one and the fairly clean one which can't be clean, as you'll see.

CLEAN:

The Pope was dying of terminal heart failure, so he invited the faithful to the Vatican to meet one last time. When everyone had gathered, he stepped to the microphone and said, "My good people, I have sad news to tell you. My heart is faltering and this will be the last time we will be able to meet."

The crowd was crestfallen. Suddenly, someone shouted out, "No, take my heart so that you may carry on!" "No, take mine!" Finally, the entire crowd was shouting, "Take my heart, Your Excellency!"

The Pope was stunned. He composed himself, then said, "I am taken aback by your words of generosity. But I cannot in good conscience take the heart of any one individual. So what I shall do is take this feather and float it upon the crowd. By the divine will of God, whomsoever it should fall upon, I shall accept your gift."

The Pope threw the feather onto the crowd. And, in this crowd of 500,000 people, the only sound that could be heard was, "Whoooosh!.....Whoooosh!....."Whooosh!"

FAIRLY CLEAN:

This couple had twin four-year-olds who swore like sailors, which was really starting to get on the nerves of the wife.

One night, she told her husband, "I am so sick and tired of those brats swearing! If I hear them do it again, I swear I'm going to smack them!"

The husband told her, "Honey, calm down. But if you feel that's what you have to do, I'm behind you on this."

The next morning, the mother was in the kitchen when the first twin came in. "Hi Sweetie, what would you like for breakfast?" she asked.

"I want some f*cking pancakes."

Wham, she backhanded him! He was on the floor seeing stars.

"AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR BREAKFAST??" she screamed at the other.

The second twin stared in terror at his twin, before stammering, "I-I-I don't want any f*cking pancakes!"

[Sniper15 0]

q. what's brown and sticky?

a. a stick.

the interrupting cow joke is good, too, but you can't write it out very well.

-k

Umm.....that may just be the worst joke I have ever seen in my entire life.

[hocckey77 0]

The Pope threw the feather onto the crowd. And, in this crowd of 500,000 people, the only sound that could be heard was, "Whoooosh!.....Whoooosh!....."Whooosh!"

I don't get the punchline

[hocckey77 0]

I think this is appropriate but if it's not someone can delete this.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[JR Boucicaut 3802]

The Pope threw the feather onto the crowd. And, in this crowd of 500,000 people, the only sound that could be heard was, "Whoooosh!.....Whoooosh!....."Whooosh!"

I don't get the punchline

They kept blowing it up so it didn't fall on them.

[Jbone 0]

What did the guy say when he walked into a bar?

-Oww

-What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

-Were's my tractor?

Hello is wing there? Oh well is Is wong there?

-Sorry I must of winged the wong number

(sorry I'm not trying to be offensive)

A pirate ship was sailing in they day when all of a sudden the guy from the mast yells out to the captain "Captain! I see a pirate ship". The captain replies "go and get my red shirt". He gets it then the captain puts it on. So there battling it out and the captain gets stabbed. After they beat the ship the crew guy comes up and goes "captain why did you want me to get your red shirt?" He replies " I had it so if I got stabbed you wouldn't know". The crew memebr replies good thinking. Later that day the guy on the mast goes" Captain, pirate ships!" The captain replies "How many?" He calls out "four". The captain goes "go and get my brown pants".

[RadioGaGa 162]

I can't remember this one word for word...but I think I can paraphase it well enough to make it work:

A sheppard was in his field with his sheep, when a brand new Porsche pulled up. The window came down and a really sharply dressed guy poked his head out and called the sheppard to his car. "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one as payment"

"Sure" Said the sheppard. The guy got out of his car in his Armani suit and set up a laptop on the hood of the car. He punched up a GPS website, did a few calculations and proudly announced to the sheppard "You have 354 sheep in this flock". He walked over to the fence, grabbed a little sheep under his arm and turned back towards his car. The sheppard said, "Very good, but if I can guess what you do for a living, I win the sheep back"

"Sure" said the shaprly dressed man.

"You're a consultant" the sheappard said quickly. "Yes, but how did you know" asked the man.

"Well," the shappard began "you showed up unannounced and univited, to answer a question I never asked you. And, the answer you gave me is one I already knew...Now give me back me dog!"

[hocckey77 0]

What did the guy say when he walked into a bar?

-Oww

-What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

-Were's my tractor?

Hello is wing there? Oh well is Is wong there?

-Sorry I must of winged the wong number

(sorry I'm not trying to be offensive)

The last one is funny but yet again I don't see the humor in the second one.

[hocckey77 0]

The Pope threw the feather onto the crowd. And, in this crowd of 500,000 people, the only sound that could be heard was, "Whoooosh!.....Whoooosh!....."Whooosh!"

I don't get the punchline

They kept blowing it up so it didn't fall on them.

Now that makes sense, thank you

[Hockeyman9621 0]

Two old ladies were sitting having a nice chat when one lady says to the next, "do you still get horny?" "Sometimes", she answered. "Well, what do you do?" "I suck a lifesaver", she answers. "Oh" she says, then pauses and asks "who drives you to the beach"?

[colonials22 0]

Two old ladies were sitting having a nice chat when one lady says to the next, "do you still get horny?" "Sometimes", she answered. "Well, what do you do?" "I suck a lifesaver", she answers. "Oh" she says, then pauses and asks "who drives you to the beach"?

I dont get it

[MNdgame 0]

Two old ladies were sitting having a nice chat when one lady says to the next, "do you still get horny?"  "Sometimes", she answered. "Well, what do you do?" "I suck a lifesaver", she answers. "Oh" she says, then pauses and asks "who drives you to the beach"?

I dont get it

Life saver as in life guard, the person.

[Fury of One 6]

Two nuts were walking down the street.

One was assaulted.

[DMBfan13 0]

One day, a guy and his wife were out golfing, and he was having the best round of his life!! Here he and his wife were, on the 18th hole ready to finish up the best round ever! The man tees off, and somehow the ball lands behind a barn! The guy is devastated! He doesn't know what to do! The wife looks at him and tells him that she has a solution! She said she'll hold the barn doors open and he can swing through, and everything will be fine! So he agrees, and hits the ball. The guy slices, and the ball hits his wife in the head and instantly kills her!! One year later the guy is out golfing with his girlfriend. The same thing is happening, he is golfing the best round ever! Sure enough, they're on the 18th hole again and he somehow hits the ball behind the same barn he did before! Once again, he is devastated and doesnt know what to do!! His girlfriend looks at him and says Ill just hold the barn doors open and you can hit though! He look at her and says "Are you kidding me?! Last time I did that, I got a bogey!!!"