Buzz_LightBeer 962 Report post Posted June 21, 2005 It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "F**k him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"This can be deleted if I offended too many virgin ears Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CardinalHcky19 0 Report post Posted June 21, 2005 2 guys walk into a bar the 3rd one ducks Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
all-star 0 Report post Posted June 22, 2005 why couldnt G-Unit get one the bus? because they didnt have 50 cent. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ladystorm3 0 Report post Posted June 22, 2005 why couldnt G-Unit get one the bus? because they didnt have 50 cent. lol......thats a funny one, short, simpole and to the point Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hunter4oz 0 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 morrow, i dont get your second joke at all ? its not funny . Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dangles 0 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 On the music note..What'd Young Buck say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater for Christmas?G-Unit. [ Gee You Knit ] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jbone 0 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 morrow, i dont get your second joke at all ? its not funny . It's supposed to be funny by being stupid. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ladystorm3 0 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 morrow, i dont get your second joke at all ? its not funny . It's supposed to be funny by being stupid. some people just dont know how to take sarcasm or stupid jokes Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Eazy_b97 1 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 morrow, i dont get your second joke at all ? its not funny . It's supposed to be funny by being stupid. It's alright. I liked it :) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ladystorm3 0 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 whats toys r us called in the ghetto??we be toys Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vapor#42 0 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in your bathtub ?- Throw your washing in..What do you call a cow with no back legs ?- Lean Beef..What do you call a cow with no legs at all ?- Ground beef..Lame i know.. but short and sweet.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pantherfan 0 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 Yeh morrow i liked your last joke plus now i can say i thought of it to all my mates! :P ......................I'm tryin to think of a hockey related joke but........i can't......waitwhat did.........the........never mind i found this on googleIt's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?" The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."Q: Why is Cinderella such a crappy hockey player?? A: cuz she had a pumpkin for a coachThree Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game. The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks an American. Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket pleaseA Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Flames fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Flames fans too. Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Flames fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Wayne the teacher looks at Wayne and says, "Wayne, you're not a Flames fan?" He says, "Nope, I'm a Oiler fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Oiler fan and not a Flames fan?" Wayne says, "Well, my mom is a Oiler fan, and my dad is a Oiler fan, so I'm a Oiler fan." The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!" Wayne says, "Then I'd be a Flames fan!"HaHa whose got the hockey jokes now!!!!! :D Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ladystorm3 0 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 panther did u find the last 1 on google or did u make it up? htats awsome becuase it can be used for any sport and any team. lol thanks for that one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rausch27 1 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 what do the titanic and the islanders have in common?they both look good until they hit the icebeing a rangers fan i love that joke ;) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sniper15 0 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 Yeh morrow i liked your last joke plus now i can say i thought of it to all my mates! :P ......................I'm tryin to think of a hockey related joke but........i can't......waitwhat did.........the........never mind i found this on googleIt's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?" The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."Q: Why is Cinderella such a crappy hockey player?? A: cuz she had a pumpkin for a coachThree Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game. The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks an American. Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket pleaseA Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Flames fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Flames fans too. Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Flames fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Wayne the teacher looks at Wayne and says, "Wayne, you're not a Flames fan?" He says, "Nope, I'm a Oiler fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Oiler fan and not a Flames fan?" Wayne says, "Well, my mom is a Oiler fan, and my dad is a Oiler fan, so I'm a Oiler fan." The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!" Wayne says, "Then I'd be a Flames fan!"HaHa whose got the hockey jokes now!!!!! :D LOL. Classic. Well done man. Love the train one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LegoDoom 0 Report post Posted June 23, 2005 What do 1000 battered women have in common?None of them will "shut up and listen" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jason Harris 31 Report post Posted June 24, 2005 What do 1000 battered women have in common?None of them will "shut up and listen" That's a little bit along the lines of....What do you say to a woman who has two black eyes?Nothing you haven't already said a hundred times!Whoops, gotta go, my wife's about to smack me for typing that! :o Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sniper94 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2005 Here are some old jokes I had in my computer:What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common? They both look good until they hit the ice!! Four college friends decide to meet up in British Columbia and do some climbing in the Canadian Rockies. As they start their ascent the conversation naturally turns to hockey. Each climber is a die-hard fan of a different NHL team. As they climb higher and higher, they argue more and more about who is the most loyal to their hometown team. Finally, as they reach the summit, the climber from Detroit decides to end the argument and he takes a running leap and throws himself off the mountain yelling, "This is for my Red Wings!" Not wanting to be outdone by some fan from Detroit, the Chicago fan throws himself off the mountain, shouting out, "I do this for my beloved Chicago Blackhawks!" Seeing this the Toronto fan walks to the edge and yells as loud as he can, "This is for hockey fans everywhere!!!" He then pushes the Rangers fan off. Q: What do you get if you anger Martin Havlat?A: A crossCzech.One man said "My dog watches all the Montreal games on TV. Everytime they lose, he lies down and cried his eyes out." His friend says "That's incredible. What does he do when they win?" The man replied "I don't know, I'll let you know when it actually happens! Jock vs Nerd: Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins. A blonde is walking down the street when she suddenly spots an ad on a lamp post. It reads: "Appartment for hire, cheap rent." The blonde is thrilled, since she for a long time has been staying with a friend, and she is looking for a place of her own. But soon she looks sad and confused and starts to cry. A blonde policewoman across the street notice this and walks over to her asking what's wrong. The blonde explains that she has found the ad on the lamp post, but: - "I keep knocking, but no one answers the door!" - "Thats strange" replies the blonde policewoman, "the lights are on up there!" A Bruins fan was driving home from work and he passed by the local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off. On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road. On closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a replica Montreal Canadiens sweater. Now, the Bruins fan that was driving just hated the Canadiens, and he suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Canadiens fan jumped out of the way, the driver of the car heard a bang, but he was sure he'd missed him. The two men proceeded to the church in silence. The Bruins fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me. Can you forgive me, Father?" The Priest replied, "Of course I can forgive you, my son. Don't worry - I GOT HIM WITH THE CAR DOOR." How many Nashville Predators fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Both of them.How many NY Rangers players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?One, but he stands with the bulb in his hand and waits for the world to revolve around him.How many Canadiens fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?One, but he'll complain the old bulb was better than the new one.How do Goodenow and Bettman change a lightbulb?They don't. They can't see the light anyway!A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?" The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. And the man sitting over to your left is 7 ft. 8 and is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times." Why does Calgary have to drink out of saucers? Cause Edmonton has all the cups!Why doesn't Winnipeg have a hockey team? Cause then New York would want one too!Sniper94Edit: Sorry for any offence caused to the fans of teams mentioned within! :lol: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LegoDoom 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2005 He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. We all know this isn't true. He could easily end up down a couple hundred G's on a round of golf. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sniper15 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2005 What do 1000 battered women have in common?None of them will "shut up and listen" That's a little bit along the lines of....What do you say to a woman who has two black eyes?Nothing you haven't already said a hundred times!Whoops, gotta go, my wife's about to smack me for typing that! :o Isn't the punchline suppose to be: nothing, you've alread said it twice? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hocckey77 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2005 What do 1000 battered women have in common?None of them will "shut up and listen" That's a little bit along the lines of....What do you say to a woman who has two black eyes?Nothing you haven't already said a hundred times!Whoops, gotta go, my wife's about to smack me for typing that! :o Isn't the punchline suppose to be: nothing, you've alread said it twice? Yeah, I think you're right Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jason Harris 31 Report post Posted June 24, 2005 What do 1000 battered women have in common?None of them will "shut up and listen" That's a little bit along the lines of....What do you say to a woman who has two black eyes?Nothing you haven't already said a hundred times!Whoops, gotta go, my wife's about to smack me for typing that! :o Isn't the punchline suppose to be: nothing, you've alread said it twice? Yeah, I think you're right I've heard it a few ways, but maybe twice would be funnier. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hooah4 12 Report post Posted June 24, 2005 Bob and Bill are hiking along the trail one day. Bill says "hold on I gotta take a leak", so he goes in the bushes and Bob waits. All of a sudden he hears Bill scream, Bob goes running in to see what's going on. Bill says I was just standing here peeing when this snake bit me right on the d@#$!. Bob asks what the snake looked like and he runs as fast as he can to the ranger shack 3 miles back. After describing the snake to the ranger the ranger says " son, that was a timber rattler, get back there as fast as you can, make a small incision on the bite area and slowly try to suck the venom out. It might just save his life." Bob comes back running as fast as he can. Bill sees him and asks "what did the ranger say?" Bob looks at his friend and says Bill old pal.....you're gonna die." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hooah4 12 Report post Posted June 24, 2005 Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, english, history, and logic."Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?""Yeah.""Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.""That's true, I do have a yard.""I'm not done," the dean says. Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.""Yes, I do have a house.""And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.""I have a family.""I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.""Yes, I do have a wife.""And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.""I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, english, history, and logic."Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?""No.""Then you're a queer." Mods, If too offensive please delete. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dietzie27 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2005 what is cheaper. deer nuts or beer nuts?deer nuts because they are under a buck. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
