funniest jokes

[DarkStar50 679]

The new kid is working in the produce department of the supermarket. A guy comes in and asks for half a head of lettuce. The kid tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't sell a half a head of lettuce, only the whole head of lettuce." The guy says , Hey, that no good. Ask your manager.

The kid goes in the back and tells his manager "Hey there is some a**hole out here asking for half a of lettuce." As he finishes he looks over his shoulder and there is the customer, he quickly adds "And this guy wants to buy the other half." The manager says OK, sell it to him.

Now the customer leaves and the manager says to the kid Hey that was pretty quick thinking on your feet. I'm impressed. Are you new around here?

The kid says yes,I just came down from Canada.

The manager asks him Why did you leave Canada?

The kid says Well, sir, everybody knows the only things to come out of Canada are whores and hockey players.

The manager says Oh yeah, my wife is from Canada.

The kid says Really, what team does she play for!!

A long way to go for a laugh but I think its funny. And please don't take it as anything against whores, hockey players, or Canadians. Personally, I work in retail so I know about guys asking for half a head of lettuce. Ex. Can you sharpen my skates but just don't make them too sharp. I always love that one.

[M-Cohen 0]

Just chcking but did you know that someone said the exact same joke about 5 posts ahead of you?

[DarkStar50 679]

Oh well, never mind...............

[DarkStar50 679]

The Hully pix distracted me.................

[Sniper15 0]

Good job Sniper....turn some harmless joke post into a "hes gone to far with a joke" thing.

ITS A JOKE BUDDY. There have been lots of jokes about Canada, do you see me complaining. Lighten up. The guy was just trying to tell some jokes. To steal a line from you (slightly altered), "It's people like you, who ruin good things for others."

If someone had told a racist joke people would be going crazy, other jokes that put down certain groups of people are all right though, right?

[Fonya 0]

Heres a really cheezy one that is pointless. I didnt read the whole thread either but its crappy so no one probably mentioned it.

What does Bruce Lee drink when he's thirsty?

WA-TAA (water)

[Jason Harris 31]

If someone had told a racist joke people would be going crazy, other jokes that put down certain groups of people are all right though, right? 

You're right, Sniper, rascist jokes are in poor taste.

But given how broad America is, encompassing EVERY nationality, race and religion, I don't think anyone truly believes these jokes are accurate representations of "America." Consequently, I think it's okay to laugh at ourselves and the rest of the world's impression of us -- since it's not really accurate.

[trucks 0]

I didnt see you complaing when polish jokes were being made but I guess that because your not polish and that doesnt offend you.

[kosydar 0]

Its not a big deal guys. Let him be offended if he wants to be. Its no use trying to change his mind on the matter.

[Sven 1]

I dont know why any feels offended.. These are JOKES, the reason for jokes are to laugh not to fight.

C'mon guys, its all fun here.

[trucks 0]

Dont know if this was already posted sorry if it was.

A Maple Leafs hockey fan was driving home from work and he passed by a local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.

On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road; on closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a replica of a Canadiens jersey. Now the guy hated the Habs and suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Canadiens fan jumped out of the way. The driver of the car heard a bang but he was sure he'd missed him.

The two men proceeded to the church in silence and the Leafs fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me, can you forgive me father??" The Priest replied "Of course I can forgive you my son; I got him with the car door."

[delpiero27 0]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no

lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and

rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she

grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from

the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes

entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

[delpiero27 0]

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell;

AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day;

AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior;

AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you;

AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games;

AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet;

AT WORK... you have to share

IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit;

AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the tax-payers, with no work required;

AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... there are wardens.

AT WORK...they are called managers.

But cheer up, because

IN PRISON... you have to stay all the time.

AT WORK...you get to go home sometimes.

[delpiero27 0]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question

asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the

food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

[Fonya 0]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question

asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the

food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

That was a good one. I laughed out loud for that one. :lol:

[hockeydude_49 0]

lol I'm from America and I still laughed at that one. Back to that guy that got all pissed about the USA diss, theres a joke dissing America and it sets him off but I bet he thought the South Park movie was ok...lol

[Miike 1]

Lol they're all funny in their own way.

[troybruins89 0]

And God replies...

"Nah, wait til you see who I gave them for neighbours."

_______

sorry guys, nothing personal. just love this one. :lol:

Yea I know besides the whole curse thing Mexico is pretty nice... :P

[hocckey77 0]

Why deos Micheal Jackson like old navy at the start of school??

They[ old navy] have boys pants half off.

[Dangles 0]

Michael Jackson jokes are stupid.

Fonya - I also laughed out loud.

[kosydar 0]

I had a priest at my high school who had a great sense of humor. He loved Michael Jackson jokes. My personal favorite of his:

What did the mom on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun.

[A_Steeves12 0]

Why deos Micheal Jackson like old navy at the start of school??

They[ old navy] have boys pants half off.

has to be the stupiest joke in the book. its been used so many time with diffrent stores.

[Miike 1]

I had a priest at my high school who had a great sense of humor. He loved Michael Jackson jokes. My personal favorite of his:

What did the mom on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun.

Haha thats a good one.

[jbyun04 7]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

not the funniest but still funny.. sort of

[EBondo 232]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

:D :D :D