Gentlemen's Code of Conduct for Hockey

[DarkStar50 679]

I have been with the same group of guys for over 20 years every Friday night to skate, have fun, and drink some beers in the room after the game. We all know each other well and get along great except, just like every group we have the one a-hole none of us can stand. Long story short JO(short for JerkOff,40something with off ice issues) chased down Kevin(51 year old guy with bypass surgery 4 years ago, great clean player, never bothers anyone) and bear hugged him from behind with less than 5 minutes to go in our weekly game. Kevin followed through after getting rodeo'ed and lifted JO's legs to trip him down. JO goes back him with a bitch slap fight. Kevin grew up on the West Side of Manhattan. He knows how to handle himself at 5'6". This wasn't the first hockey fight he had been in. He smacked JO(with a cage on of course) a few times and we broke up the fight. JO continued to jaw the usual "What did I do?" bs. Once the game was over, half the guys said let's just tell him not to come back. Our next quarterly payment is due 12/1. In the locker room, Kevin and JO get dressed in the same one. Kevin was the bigger man and offered the handshake first to forget about it. At first JO won't accept it. I don't know the final result.

I have two statements I want to draft. The first one is easy. "We, the undersigned, vote by majority to have JO leave forever." End of statement. The other is a Gentlemen's Code of Conduct" for the group. I have some ideas but cannot get them into writing just yet. If any of the articulate guys here would like to express some ideas, I would be willing to listen. You can always send me a PM if that suits you better. Thanks.

[Jarick 5]

Why do you need something signed? Just tell him to take a hike.

My code of conduct is "do unto others" and "have fun". Works fine for me.

[jcp2 2]

Although hockey is not a gentleman's game, occasionally gentlemen have been known to play.

[Law Goalie 147]

Couple of ideas...

My suggestion would be to base it on something else, like UCMJ Article 133 ("conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman") or some other less martial model, like something from an old gentleman's handbook. That way, you've got something archetypal to work with, and it carries a little extra authority. Obviously, many of the specific rules will have little to do with hockey (provisions against "hailing women from the windows of a club", for example), but you can easily reword them to suit: "not calling to other players from the penalty box" might work.

There's also a definition that's been floating around (depending on who you ask) for a few hundred years that has been recently (if rather badly) popularised by a few authors. In essence, this definition claims that all gentlemanly conduct - no matter what specific rules or in what circumstances - is governed by the principle of sprezzatura, which might be loosely understood as 'nonchalance' or 'gracefulness' or 'ease of manner', but is a word that defies translation. (Ordinarily, to say that a word defies translation is hyperbole: in this case it is literally true, since editors have been struggling, arguing and violently attacking one another over its translation since the late sixteenth century, when Castiglione was first put into English.)

Basically, the idea of sprezzatura is this: it's a way of life that makes effort seem natural and easy. Being a gentleman is, of course, incredibly arduous, but a gentleman never *appears* to strain himself in doing anything: he takes everything in stride.

There are, of course, limits on this. You can't play a hard game of hockey without breaking a sweat or breathing hard, which are indications of effort. But there are ways to do even that without seeming exhausted, or lazy, or out of shape.

The key thing is to apply the same principle to emotional and verbal conduct. A 'sprezzaturist' (to strain the coinage) never loses his cool; he's even-tempered to a fault. That doesn't mean he won't fight, but that his reasons for fighting are not "I'm angry!" or "That was dirty!" but "This ruffian must be taught a lesson at once," or "I must come to the defence of my friend." Likewise, while he might raise his voice to be heard ("Man on!") he'll never yell at someone ("You prick!").

Anyway, my advice is to stick to a semi-serious parody of Article 133 or something similar (make it funny, but make the point). Sprezzatura is fun to talk about at Renaissance conferences, but it's probably a little vague and obscure for a dressing-room wall, unless your heart's set on using the broadest possible general definition.

Ultimately, you could use a document like this for two things: kicking out the JO's and rewarding the Kevins of the world. At the bottom of the description, tack on an "Accordingly:" and start a dated list of anything you do as a result, eg. "On 17 November 2009, Jerk-Off was suspended from play for a long history of ungentlemanly play, losing his temper with Kevin, refusing to acknowledge the indecorum of his actions, and the gross misconduct of refusing a handshake genuinely offered. --- On December 12 2009, Kevin was honoured for his years of gentlemanly play with a case of Woodford Reserve bourbon purchased jointly by the players." and so on.

[sickwilly 37]

I think it might depend a bit on how long JO has been with the group. If he's been with everyone all along, I think it might make the most sense to have a few guys sit down with him and discuss the incident and his conduct with him directly. Share the group's concerns with him directly. Give him concrete exaples of what has happened and how he is expected to conduct himself. If he is unable to shape up, then you could let him go. If he's a new guy to the group, I think I'd address him directly and ask him not to return to the group.

[RadioGaGa 162]

We had a guy like that in our group once. After a couple months of increased d-bagery...the guy that runs it told him...'you aren't welcome back'. He's never come back.

End of story. I'd leave it in the hands of whoever runs the group. Obviously he is aware of how everyone feels about this guy...These are not public dropins/shinnies. This is an organized group of players, right...? Thus, you can choose who gets to play in the group. Tell him he's out of the club and move on.

[jcp2 2]

Basically, the idea of sprezzatura is this: it's a way of life that makes effort seem natural and easy. Being a gentleman is, of course, incredibly arduous, but a gentleman never *appears* to strain himself in doing anything: he takes everything in stride.

The name is Bond, James Bond.

[Law Goalie 147]

Precisely.

Having an infinite supply of money and cufflinks doesn't hurt either.

edit: One of the problems is that sometimes guys like this have connections to people in the skate, and will all but beg to be let back in even after having been ridden out on a rail. Having some kind of general agreement that his presence is no longer welcome might at least make things easier for the people he calls friends and colleagues outside the rink.

[DarkStar50 679]

Law Goalie,

Thanks for your input. I knew you would have excellent ideas. I will go farther with your suggestions.

As for our group, JO has been in as long as I have. I once got into a yelling match with him as well. BTW, we are on the same team. I don't even remember what it was about but he started up, I threw a few f bombs, he jumped over the bench to start his shift, turned around to come back at me. How f'd up is that? True story. So, JO does have a history with our group. There are other guys he has dirtbagged. Our group has no real "president". The guy who collects the money thinks he is in charge but never wants to initiate anythng when it comes to problems in the past. It is really up to gathering a majority of the guys to agree on a solution to this. I have always said I would start a collection just pay off JO's payment to keep him out. I call the guy the Human Hemorrhoid.

Thanks for listening.

[chk hrd 164]

You almost have to have your own mini orginization. Start basic rules for every one. If you break the rules, then you get written up. X amount of write ups is X amount playing days of suspension. X amount of suspension and you are gone. Put the responsibility on the player, that way when they do mess up it is in black and white.

[Aussie Joe 0]

This brings up memories of douchebags that have hooked and hacked in general scrimm. Like you DarkStar we spend our Friday nights with "an injection of hockey heroin" as we like to call it. I think a code of conduct like document is important. It lets everyone know who is in charge and what is going on. I know the guy that runs our sessions Chris has a firm grip on things.

I once had a disgruntled junior spit on my bag whilst I was on the ice as he was unhappy with how I benched his argumentative ass in the playoffs. Needless to say it was an incident that encorached our our un-written code, not to mention the leagues "Off Ice Code of Conduct" as he was a referee at the time. The kid has been banned from our Friday sessions and now there is a verbal warning given to every new guy that when you join the session you are expected to play hard, keep your idiot complusions to yourself and most of all have a laugh/fun with the rest of us.

[Chadd 916]

I have two statements I want to draft. The first one is easy. "We, the undersigned, vote by majority to have JO leave forever." End of statement. The other is a Gentlemen's Code of Conduct" for the group. I have some ideas but cannot get them into writing just yet. If any of the articulate guys here would like to express some ideas, I would be willing to listen. You can always send me a PM if that suits you better. Thanks.

"If JO continues to play as part of this group/organization/etc... after XX date; we, the undersigned, will no longer participate or contribute financially any longer."

Worst case, I'm sure you could easily set up your own time to skate and bring most of the guys along with you. Eventually, I'm sure everyone that you would want would come over.