funniest jokes

[delpiero27 0]

not exaclty a joke, but really funny! :lol:

These are things kids said in class, reported from techers:

TEACHER: "Johnny, come up to the map and point out North America"

Johnny goes and points at the map.

TEACHER: "Very good Johnny, now class, who discoevered North America?"

CLASS: "JOHNY!"

TEACHER: "Roger, why are you late for class?"

ROGER: "Because of the sign"

TEACHER: "What sign?!"

ROGER: "the one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow'"

TEACHER: "Bob, How do you spell crocodile?"

BOB: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: "No Bob, that is not how you're supposed to spell crocodile"

BOB: "That may be, but you asked me how _I_ spell crocodile"

TEACHER: "What is the chemical formula for water?"

SARAH: "H I J K L M N O"

TEACHER: "No, that's wrong"

SARAH: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

TEACHER: "Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago"

WILLIE: "Me!"

TEACHER: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

PUPIL: "A teacher."

TEACHER: "Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?"

TOMMY: "Well, I'm alot closer to the ground than you are."

TEACHER: "Ellen, give me a sentence starting with 'I'."

ELLEN: "I is..."

TEACHER: "No, Ellen.... Always say, 'I am'"

ELLEn: "All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give me an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

TEACHER: "Now, Sam tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?"

SAM: "No sir, I don't have to, Mom is a good cook."

TEACHER: "Desmond, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. did you copy his?

DESMOND: "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"

[delpiero27 0]

25 Signs Showing You Might be Canadian

1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".

2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

12. You brag to Americans that: Shania! Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & many more, are Canadians.

13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

14. You know what a touque is.

15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee"

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages,but requires 6 pages for hockey.

18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.

19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

23. You! were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than,"Huh?"

25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!! and then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them...further (hehe)

hope candians will not be offended... :P i sent theese even to my cousin in toronto... but he told me that no.17 can be used for italians too: just switch hockey with soccer.... and he's right

[ultraman7k 0]

25 Signs Showing You Might be Canadian

1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".

2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

12. You brag to Americans that: Shania! Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & many more, are Canadians.

13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

14. You know what a touque is.

15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee"

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages,but requires 6 pages for hockey.

18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.

19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

23. You! were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than,"Huh?"

25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!! and then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them...further (hehe)

hope candians will not be offended... :P i sent theese even to my cousin in toronto... but he told me that no.17 can be used for italians too: just switch hockey with soccer.... and he's right

man, i can totally agree with #2, 3, 4, 12 and 14

the others are good too but those other ones stand out :lol:

[Sven 1]

:lol: the farmer-joke is pretty funny. nice one, Hooah4

[A_Steeves12 0]

25 Signs Showing You Might be Canadian

1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".

2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

12. You brag to Americans that: Shania! Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & many more, are Canadians.

13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

14. You know what a touque is.

15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee"

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages,but requires 6 pages for hockey.

18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.

19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

23. You! were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than,"Huh?"

25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!! and then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them...further (hehe)

hope candians will not be offended... :P i sent theese even to my cousin in toronto... but he told me that no.17 can be used for italians too: just switch hockey with soccer.... and he's right

:lol: funny and true. The frist time i went to the states i was like 7 and they asked me what kinda of soda i wanted at a resturant and i asked whats soda?

[ambro 0]

Another Polish joke (I'm a Pollock too, so no offense)

An American, a Mexican, and a Pollock are on their lunch breaks near a cliff.

The American looks at his lunch and says "If I have pizza for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off that cliff!"

The Mexican looks at his lunch and says "If I have tacos for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off with you!"

The Pollock looks at his lunch and says "If I have kielbasa for lunch one more time, I'll jump with both of you!"

The next day they all get the same thing and jump off the cliff to their deaths.

At the funeral, the American's wife says "If I would have known he didn't want pizza for lunch I wouldn't have made it for him."

The Mexican's wife says "If I would have known he didn't want tacos for lunch I would have given him something else."

The Pollock's wife says "It's not my fault, he packs his own lunch."

[seanmccann 3]

25 Signs Showing You Might be Canadian

1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".

2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

12. You brag to Americans that: Shania! Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & many more, are Canadians.

13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

14. You know what a touque is.

15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee"

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages,but requires 6 pages for hockey.

18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.

19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

23. You! were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than,"Huh?"

25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!! and then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them...further (hehe)

hope candians will not be offended... :P i sent theese even to my cousin in toronto... but he told me that no.17 can be used for italians too: just switch hockey with soccer.... and he's right

The funny thing is I understand all of them. ;)

[delpiero27 0]

On the seventh day, God was putting the finishing touches on Earth when he noticed an angel silently watching him work. He called the Angel over, and told the angel "Look at what I have created. It is one of the finest, most detailed things I have ever created." The Angel nods, and asks to be told more, so God continues.

"See, right there there will be people that will fight for all time." and God points at the Middle East.

"And over here will be rainforest like you can barely imagine, with animals and plants that will take the humans millions of years to discover all of." and He pointed at Brazil.

"But you see, this is the land I'm most proud of. " and God points to Canada. "It will have golden fields of grain that go on farther then the eye can see, mountains reaching into clear skies and crystal clean rivers. The people will be kind, generous, and renowned around the world for their hospitality." and at this point the Angel humbly interrupts.

"I don't mean to question you, your Holiness. but don't you think you're being too nice to these people?"

And God replies...

"Nah, wait til you see who I gave them for neighbours."

_______

sorry guys, nothing personal. just love this one. :lol:

[twistoffate19 0]

Three baseball fans are on their way to the All-Star game. One is wearing a Red Sox hat, one is wearing a Tigers hat, and the other is wearing a Yankees hat. All of a sudden they see a leg sticking out of a bush on the side of the road. They pull over to investigate, and find a naked woman who has been murdered. "This is horrible." says the Red Sox fan, and he puts his cap over her right breast. "This is terrible." says the Tigers fan who puts his cap over her left breast. "Horrible, just horrible." says the Yankees fan, who puts his cap over her vagina. 10 minutes later, the cops show up. The detective walks over to the body, whips out a notepad and begins. He lifts up the Red Sox hat, makes a note, and puts it back on the breast. He then lifts up the Tigers hat, makes a note, and puts it back on the breast. He then lifts up the Yankees hat. He gives a confused look, makes a note, and puts it back. Then he scratches out what he wrote, lifts the Yankees hat again, makes a note and puts it back. Then he does it again, scratch, lift, note. He does this five times before the Red Sox fan says, "Um, Detective, don't you think you're being a little disrespectful?" The detective turns and says, "Sorry son. But you see, everytime I look under a Yankees cap, I'm used to finding an asshole."

- I'm a Red Sox fan, so I love it

**substitute any teams you want, for a good burn on your friends who are on (in your opinion) The Dark Side**

[EBondo 233]

haha I love it!

[Dangles 0]

Q:If your American in the kitchen..Canadian in the bedroom..what are you in the bathroom?

A: European

[M-Cohen 0]

Yeah can you believe my mom used to tell that one?? It's funny nonetheless.

[hocckey77 0]

25 Signs Showing You Might be Canadian

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)

4. I've never called it soda

7. I know that too

8. I live in Illinois,we call it a highway or expressway.

21. I think I always could pronounce that

[pantherfan 0]

Q:If your American in the kitchen..Canadian in the bedroom..what are you in the bathroom?

A: European

LOL i dont get it?

Can someone explain that one to me plz

[Squirrel 0]

Q:If your American in the kitchen..Canadian in the bedroom..what are you in the bathroom?

A: European

LOL i dont get it?

Can someone explain that one to me plz

European= Your a peeing

[dietzie27 0]

(your o peein) in the bathroom

[ChiefsHockey 0]

What do yOu call cheese that is not yours?

- Nacho cheese

[Dangles 0]

What do yOu call cheese that is not yours?

- Nacho cheese

That's a classic.

[trucks 0]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"

The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

Three Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game.

The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?", asks an American.

Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,

"Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.

"Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.

Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"

A Canadian hockey fan, an American fan and a Swedish fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the alcohol, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:

"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Swede fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Swede fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The American fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the American fan crying.

The Canadian fan was the last one up (he had finished off thecrate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You support the greatest team in the world, your country has the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Canadian replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Tie the American fan to my back so he can get his ass whooped again."

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a#@hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

Brett Hull: Born in Belleville Ontario. Won silver with USA at Salt Lake 2002.

Thats all I got for now. Sorry If any are repeats I didnt have time to read them all.

[hockeydude_49 0]

25 Signs Showing You Might be Canadian

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)

4. I've never called it soda

7. I know that too

8. I live in Illinois,we call it a highway or expressway.

21. I think I always could pronounce that

Same here everyone calls it pop...cept tourists lol, and we don't call em pikes we call em northerns...but we know what a pike is, I guess we're pretty close to Canada though.

[Dangles 0]

Thats all I got for now. Sorry If any are repeats I didnt have time to read them all.

The first two are repeats. However, the other two are quite amusing along with the Hull picture. Props to you.

[Sniper15 0]

Thats all I got for now. Sorry If any are repeats I didnt have time to read them all.

The first two are repeats. However, the other two are quite amusing along with the Hull picture. Props to you.

The third one is a repeat also, instead of NHL fans though he used nationalities. The anti-american parts of his joke are bullshit. I don't care if his comments were anti-american, anti-swedish, anti-german, etc. Any jokes that put down nationality are classless. America is the reason he enjoys a lot of the freedoms he does today.

[twistoffate19 0]

Good job Sniper....turn some harmless joke post into a "hes gone to far with a joke" thing.

ITS A JOKE BUDDY. There have been lots of jokes about Canada, do you see me complaining. Lighten up. The guy was just trying to tell some jokes. To steal a line from you (slightly altered), "It's people like you, who ruin good things for others."

[trucks 0]

Delete Post

[trucks 0]

What do 1000 battered women have in common?

None of them will "shut up and listen"

That's a little bit along the lines of....

What do you say to a woman who has two black eyes?

Nothing you haven't already said a hundred times!

Whoops, gotta go, my wife's about to smack me for typing that! :o

Isn't the punchline suppose to be: nothing, you've alread said it twice?

So Sniper 15 you have no problems with jokes about beating women but you have a problem with beating Americans. I dont understand your logic, if your going to be against these kinds of jokes you have to be against them all, not just the ones you find offensive to yourself. I volunteer at a battered womens shelter occasionally and have seen some of the damage these women take and dont find these jokes humourous but I can take it as a joke cause I know and hope none of you here beat women. I dont beat Americans nor do I go around bashing them but I dont mind telling the occasional JOKE. Im just saying you cant have a problem with American jokes and then laugh at ones that are directed at beating women.

To lighten up the mood heres a few more:

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ice between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "We've got all the referees."

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for Wayne Gretzky face on her right inner thigh. She hands the tattooist a hockey card to use as reference. It takes him an hour, and when he finishes, he shows her his work.

"This doesn't look anything like Gretzky!" she says.

He holds out the Wayne card and compares them.

"See, spittin' image!" he says. The lady disagrees. To placate her, the artist offers to do another Wayne on the other thigh for free.

He finishes the second tattoo, but the lady's still not impressed.

"This one doesn't look like Wayne Gretzky either!"

The artist insists that his tattoo looks just like the portrait on her sportscard. To prove it, he calls a hockey fan off the street. The lady hikes up her dress and asks the fan whether he can identify the players.

"Well," he says, "I'm not sure who the wingers are, but the center is definitely Lanny McDonald."