Engaged and Underage

[RadioGaGa 162]

"When two people are under the influence

of the most violent, most insane, most delusive,

and most transient of passions,

they are required to swear

that they will remain in that excited, abnormal,

and exhausting condition continuously

until death do them part." -G B Shaw

That seems to sum it up

Big Shaw fan Chadd?

[Chadd 916]

"When two people are under the influence

of the most violent, most insane, most delusive,

and most transient of passions,

they are required to swear

that they will remain in that excited, abnormal,

and exhausting condition continuously

until death do them part." -G B Shaw

That seems to sum it up

Big Shaw fan Chadd?

He has some great quotes, that's about it.

[sdcopp 1]

having been the friend of the "isn't this too soon?" as well as married at 22, child at 24, divorced at 26 I can emphatically tell you that the best thing you can do is just be a good friend and stick around. I don't know what I would've done without my divorce party my friends threw, as well as the few who would regularly check on me to make sure things were alright throughout the marriage.

Some people make it and others don't, and it's really tough to tell which is which up front. Just be there and maybe in ten years you can laugh about how you were wrong and their life is great. Or you can be the friend that helps through the high school breakup with paperwork called divorce.

I will tell you that I didn't know a good relationship until now when I'm 28 and finally figuring out what really makes a difference in the longrun with a partner and what's just folly or a brief lay

[camhockey16 5]

i knew a few ppl that got married young like that - sometimes it is legitimate, but sometimes there are other factors that influence it.

the most recent example i can think of is a girl i knew got married right out of high school because she was pregnant and parents on both sides are somewhat religious and from what im guessing pressured them into it.

i think everyone that knew them didn't expect it to last - and of course it didnt, but they gave it a shot for the kid's sake.

[sdcopp 1]

but they gave it a shot for the kid's sake.

worst reasoning ever, trust me. I'm a damn good father without having mommy around, but because I have always been devoted to making sure my daughter has the best chance to succeed and not becasue I worried about what was going on with my daughter's mother. Yet another reason people stay miserable together instead of living full, satisfying lives with a kiddo and learning to compromise for the right reasons

[Chadd 916]

but they gave it a shot for the kid's sake.

worst reasoning ever, trust me. I'm a damn good father without having mommy around, but because I have always been devoted to making sure my daughter has the best chance to succeed and not becasue I worried about what was going on with my daughter's mother. Yet another reason people stay miserable together instead of living full, satisfying lives with a kiddo and learning to compromise for the right reasons

There's nothing wrong with trying, it's the staying in a bad situation that isn't healthy.

[NYRfan 0]

All you can do is hope your friend has found the one for him. True love (the kind that lasts in relationships) is compassionate, two people looking in the same direction, not at themselves.

[Jarick 5]

A few years back one of my friends got pregnant with a second kid. He was barely making ends meet and working two jobs. I asked my girlfriend at the time (who was his sister in law) if that was a good idea, she blabbed to her sister, and I caught hell for casting judgment in their business.

I didn't really understand the whole point of why everyone was pissed until my girlfriend got pregnant last year. One of my best friends would constantly second guess everything I said and did. But that wasn't anything that I needed, and it ticked me off. All I really wanted was to hang out and get my mind off things. I think I understand now what my other friend meant.

Best you can do is just support your friend, hang out, get him out of the house every now and again, and if he makes mistakes let him. Sometimes that's all you can do.

Personally, I'm kind of scared of my situation, girlfriend's pregnant, we've not been together very long, and lately she's always sad and distant but never wants to talk. Who knows. I guess I just need to mentally prepare myself for the worst case scenario.

[pantherfan 0]

Don't worry too much, my buddys girlfriend got pregnant back end of 07' she treated him like shit while she grew that spawn of satan inside her and seemed like a totally different person, (we were all 100% convinced that she wanted to get out of the relationship but felt like she was locked in and was trying to ride it out - although we didn't have the heart to tell him) about 2 weeks after dropping she was back to her old self, about 3 months after that at the Christening we had to watch a kind of dire timeline of home movies taken through the whole 9 month process during which she burst into tears and caused a scene because she couldn't believe she'd been such a hormonal *expletive deleted*.

Nevertheless it brightend up my day and the moral of the story is that pregnant women should be taken with a pinch of salt and a ton of leniency.

[hockeydoc 0]

Whether you should get married or not has a lot more to do with "why", "perspective on relationship", "perspective on commitment", and "life choices" then on "when it happens".

I got married at 18 to pregnant girlfriend, 17. So we really started for a lot of wrong reasons, but believed in commitment and felt that meant compromises on both sides to make adjustment for the health of the relationship. I can't recommend our path, but we are proof that personal choices have a lot more to do with whether it will work, than "right person, right time". We did have many days of hell, but many more days of heaven. We also considered calling it quits many times, but always chose the path of finding a way to fix the problems, instead of abandoning them.

We have now been married 22 years. Both fought our way through school and hold Masters degrees. Have 2 of the greatest young ladies on the planet, after miscarrages and infant deaths. Including the one we lost 3 days old while still in the hospital, after the aforementioned teenage pregnancy. We've fought through many finacial, emotional, spiritual, etc. hardships. We always chose to fight through them believing that we would be better for them.

We've spent 22 years learning how to LOVE each other. I can honestly say that we now love each other more than we ever could have believed we had the capacity for, and enjoy each other on many levels more than I thought possible.

None of our friends and family supported us when we started out. All insisted we were doomed, and many abandoned us to our own devises. But we still remain, and those friends have all fallen into memories. We never sacrificed our dreams or hopes for the relationship, but just found different paths to achieve them.

Be supportive and non-judgemental of your friends choices, and maybe you can stay friends through adulthood, which is a rare and valuable gift. ;)

I wish you, and they the best!!

Don't worry too much, my buddys girlfriend got pregnant back end of 07' she treated him like shit while she grew that spawn of satan inside her and seemed like a totally different person, (we were all 100% convinced that she wanted to get out of the relationship but felt like she was locked in and was trying to ride it out - although we didn't have the heart to tell him) about 2 weeks after dropping she was back to her old self, about 3 months after that at the Christening we had to watch a kind of dire timeline of home movies taken through the whole 9 month process during which she burst into tears and caused a scene because she couldn't believe she'd been such a hormonal *expletive deleted*.

Nevertheless it brightend up my day and the moral of the story is that pregnant women should be taken with a pinch of salt and a ton of leniency.

A lot of wisdom in this post!! :lol:

[sdcopp 1]

hockeydoc, I really wish there were more people like you and your wife. There are a lot of people who do stay in bad situations "for the kids sake" or conversely use divorce like a high school breakup because that was the last dating mentality they had before getting married. Actually staying together and making things work for the sake of the couple is getting rarer and rarer. Sounds like you two learned how to grow into adult life together instead of independantly.

Staying together only for a child's sake does everyone a disservice, particularly the child. The child is the most important part of that equation, they never got a choice in the matter and are 100% reliant on the parents to provide everything for them. Two people sticking it out for the sake of each other is a very different thing.

[LkptTiger 1]

Just got word that the wedding is being rescheduled to August...WOW. They've been dating for just about a year now (12/29/08 was their anniversary) - six months of which she was in Ireland with a "study abroad" program. It just seems WAY too fast for me.

Then again, I've been dating the same girl for about four years now and have NO intention of popping the question anytime soon (this situation has turned me off the the idea of marriage for another 10 years or so)...so I guess it's just as simple as he and I not viewing "the process" in the same light.

I guess I just have to trust him. He's a smart kid who's judgment I've never seriously questioned in the past. She's a good girl who seems to have her head on right and will be graduating (early) next Fall.

I guess I have to just get used to the fact that it's all out of my control. Everything. It's upsetting...realizing that I've lost a lot of my influence on him - especially when he's got himself committed to making such a HUGE step. What really sucks is the fact that telling him how I feel about this whole thing - him, her, their engagement, the wedding, their future - could potentially do some serious damage to our friendship.

All I can do now is to be as supportive as possible, help-out in any way I can, try to figure out a way to plan a decent party as the Best Man who isn't/won't be 21 at the time of the wedding (likely have to cross the border), and make sure he doesn't dress like a tool.

[JR Boucicaut 3804]

I don't get it, how can him getting married cause serious damage to your friendship? Some people grow up faster than others. If that's what he wants, then you support him. If the marriage fails, then a few years down the road you guys will be chillin', watching a hockey game and have a good laugh about it.

[eric42434224 1]

Just got word that the wedding is being rescheduled to August...WOW. They've been dating for just about a year now (12/29/08 was their anniversary) - six months of which she was in Ireland with a "study abroad" program. It just seems WAY too fast for me.

Then again, I've been dating the same girl for about four years now and have NO intention of popping the question anytime soon (this situation has turned me off the the idea of marriage for another 10 years or so)...so I guess it's just as simple as he and I not viewing "the process" in the same light.

I guess I just have to trust him. He's a smart kid who's judgment I've never seriously questioned in the past. She's a good girl who seems to have her head on right and will be graduating (early) next Fall.

I guess I have to just get used to the fact that it's all out of my control. Everything. It's upsetting...realizing that I've lost a lot of my influence on him - especially when he's got himself committed to making such a HUGE step. What really sucks is the fact that telling him how I feel about this whole thing - him, her, their engagement, the wedding, their future - could potentially do some serious damage to our friendship.

All I can do now is to be as supportive as possible, help-out in any way I can, try to figure out a way to plan a decent party as the Best Man who isn't/won't be 21 at the time of the wedding (likely have to cross the border), and make sure he doesn't dress like a tool.

OK, you say, "He's a smart kid who's judgment I've never seriously questioned in the past. She's a good girl who seems to have her head on right and will be graduating (early) next Fall."

Then stop questioning his decision because it doesnt fit your views of how it should be. I could just as easily say you dating the same girl for 4 years from 16 to 20 is ludicrous too. Your young kid, why waste your time staying with the same girl for 4 years? Sow the oats, have some fun! I didnt date a girl for more than a month before I was 30! Your youth is for fun!.........see what I mean?

You are being a hypocrite, and extremely selfish. Who knows if it will work. Some of the greatest couples I have known started the same way, and some supposedly mature and smart people making a rational decision to get married get divorced in 6 months. If you really are a true friend, support his decision, and support their relationship. Your role as a friend will now have to be modified in this new dynamic, and if you keep on with this "he is making a mistake" attitude, I assure you that your friendship wont last long at all. He can still have fun like you want. Him getting married does not preclude fun (though many wives may disagree...wink wink), just like your long term relationship doesnt.

People change and evolve....but at different speeds and degrees. Support him as a friend should. Unless you see a serious reason he shouldnt do this (besides the fact it doesnt jive with your own personal timeline of life events), you need to lose the misgivings and really get behind him on this. Show some excitement for him....better yet, try to really feel excited for him. Be the best Best Man he could ask for.

And dude........dude......seriously.......be VERY careful with the best man speech. You can be funny, but watch how far you go. Trust me, I have seen disasters with Best Men giving the speech, and having their negative feelings seep in with off color jokes or remarks.

Be a good friend. You will look back on this, wether they make it or not, and know you did the right thing.

Good luck to you both.

[LkptTiger 1]

I don't get it, how can him getting married cause serious damage to your friendship?

The marriage isn't going to effect us one bit. However, I have to make sure I am very careful in choosing my words in expressing myself (when/if asked). If I were to make my concerns known, he might take offense...and I don't want that.

[mack 44]

Very true about the best man speech. The only one I've seen go over well was this past summer, when a friend's brother goofed on his baldness. It worked, plus it gave the green light for all of us to goof on his baldness.

[LkptTiger 1]

And dude........dude......seriously.......be VERY careful with the best man speech.

Already have it written-up and working on editing and committing it to memory. I have a way with words and a good ability to work a room full of people...he knows that, she knows that and just about everyone who will be there knows that, so expectations will be pretty high and I'm hoping to make it good, lol.

If there's one thing I'm confident in, though, it's definitely the fact that the speech is going to be flawless. Maybe I'll throw bits and pieces of it up here as I get closer to finalizing it - I'm sure there are people here with experience that might be able to lend a hand if need be.

[eric42434224 1]

I don't get it, how can him getting married cause serious damage to your friendship?

The marriage isn't going to effect us one bit. However, I have to make sure I am very careful in choosing my words in expressing myself (when/if asked). If I were to make my concerns known, he might take offense...and I don't want that.

Seriously, I think you need to re-evaluate this. I dont see that you have any real valid concerns. You said he was smart and had good judgement, and that she was a nice smart girl, and that they were good with each other. Stop projecting your own personal views on to him. You are incapable of making a commitment at your age, but that doesnt mean he isnt. So you really dont have any valid concern here....especially one you should verbalize. That would be a disaster with very little upside potential, and huge downside. Just say to him that you will be there for him No Matter What. He will know what you mean.

At 20 I couldnt even have a girlfriend that I didnt end up cheating on. But my brother met his wife at 20, and they are still going strong 17 yrs later with 2 kids.

And if you think you can put off marriage with your girlfriend of 4 years for another 10 years....LOL.....

[sdcopp 1]

And if you think you can put off marriage with your girlfriend of 4 years for another 10 years....LOL.....

HAHAHAHAHA, you're dead on Eric. Best laugh I've had today because it's so frighteningly true.

As everyone has said LKPT, just be the best friend you can. Some survive and others don't, and some are ready or at least convinced they are well before others. Chances are good you'll be laughing about it one way or the other in five years. Could get hit by the city bus tomorrow too, you never really know so make the most of what's been dealt

[kosydar 0]

All I can do now is to be as supportive as possible, help-out in any way I can, try to figure out a way to plan a decent party as the Best Man who isn't/won't be 21 at the time of the wedding (likely have to cross the border), and make sure he doesn't dress like a tool.

Went to a wedding like that two summers ago. It was one of my good friends in high school and his girlfriend of three years. The difference between your situation and mine is that we all expected them to get married, because the thought of them apart made zero sense. The worst part about the bride and groom not being 21 was having to tailgate during the reception. It was actually really fun and a lot of the adults at the wedding joined us. The only bad part was missing the best man speech/cutting of the cake/first dance to go on a beer run.

[eric42434224 1]

Underage wedding.

This is where the traditional groomsman gift of FLASKS come into play.

;)

[JR Boucicaut 3804]

Underage wedding.

This is where the traditional groomsman gift of FLASKS come into play.

;)

I'm going to a dry wedding at the end of Feb - I am in the wedding. I'm going to be wielding dual flasks. It's great, it's like I'm wearing a flak jacket.

[LkptTiger 1]

I dont see that you have any real valid concerns.

As of now, they little-to-no-money and no legitimate job prospects (he has at least another year of school left after wedding) entering an economy that is in the proverbial shitter. He lives in the dorms and she lives in a house with five other girls. Unfortunately - and I hate saying this - but I just don't think they could support themselves right now. Neither of them come from wealthy families that would be able to be of significant help to them. I feel that they're setting themselves up for unnecessary financial strain...which will most definitely have an effect on their relationship. To be cliche, putting marriage before stability is putting the cart before the horse.

Obviously, there can be success. Hockeydoc is a glowing example of that (though there were obviously some extenuating circumstances there). But life can be a long game, and I just feel like my buddy is throwing all his chips into play on the first hand of the night. I don't care if he's got rags or pocket Aces...that's usually the wrong play.

Does anyone really, really, really know what they want or who they are at 20-years-old, though? Certain enough to bet the future on it? Certain enough to throw yourself at it without any sort or support or provisions? All I really know for certain is that I fucking love playing hockey. He might have himself more figured-out than myself or the rest of us...but how sure could he possibly be right now?

As far as my girlfriend and I are concerned - we're "setting the table." Are we going to get married soon? No. Am I going to propose in the near future? Hell no. She thinks she's mature enough an ready emotionally...obviously, I think otherwise. She's got at least one more year of undergrad left before going into a Graduate program, and I've got this hockey season to finish-out before I'll go back to school this coming Fall...then another 2-3 years before I get my Bachelors (unless I end-up playing somewhere, in which case I'd like to play-out my eligibility). We've got a LONG way to go. However (and this is where "setting the table" comes in), we have joint bank accounts in place (with enough money for a sizable down-payment on a house) to supplement our own personal accounts, and we're beginning to make "contacts" which will be very helpful in finding us good jobs/careers once we're ready to enter The Real World. Do we have it all figured-out? No way. But we're working on it.

Are we going to be getting married in the next 1-2 years? No. Is it a possibility down the road? Absolutely. She realizes (and appreciates) that I want to make sure that our transition to Adulthood is as seamless as possible. Being forced into maturity and responsibility is going to be a big enough shock for me...I don't think I would be able to handle having rent and car payments and taxes and food on top of that without preparing ahead of time.

Am I saying that there is a "Right" and "Wrong" way to do this? No. But there is a "Safe(er)" and an "Unsafe."

[eric42434224 1]

Underage wedding.

This is where the traditional groomsman gift of FLASKS come into play.

;)

I'm going to a dry wedding at the end of Feb - I am in the wedding. I'm going to be wielding dual flasks. It's great, it's like I'm wearing a flak jacket.

Not a FLAK jacket......a FLASK jacket.

I think we may be on to something here.

[eric42434224 1]

I dont see that you have any real valid concerns.

As of now, they little-to-no-money and no legitimate job prospects (he has at least another year of school left after wedding) entering an economy that is in the proverbial shitter. He lives in the dorms and she lives in a house with five other girls. Unfortunately - and I hate saying this - but I just don't think they could support themselves right now. Neither of them come from wealthy families that would be able to be of significant help to them. I feel that they're setting themselves up for unnecessary financial strain...which will most definitely have an effect on their relationship. To be cliche, putting marriage before stability is putting the cart before the horse.

Obviously, there can be success. Hockeydoc is a glowing example of that (though there were obviously some extenuating circumstances there). But life can be a long game, and I just feel like my buddy is throwing all his chips into play on the first hand of the night. I don't care if he's got rags or pocket Aces...that's usually the wrong play.

Does anyone really, really, really know what they want or who they are at 20-years-old, though? Certain enough to bet the future on it? Certain enough to throw yourself at it without any sort or support or provisions? All I really know for certain is that I fucking love playing hockey. He might have himself more figured-out than myself or the rest of us...but how sure could he possibly be right now?

As far as my girlfriend and I are concerned - we're "setting the table." Are we going to get married soon? No. Am I going to propose in the near future? Hell no. She thinks she's mature enough an ready emotionally...obviously, I think otherwise. She's got at least one more year of undergrad left before going into a Graduate program, and I've got this hockey season to finish-out before I'll go back to school this coming Fall...then another 2-3 years before I get my Bachelors (unless I end-up playing somewhere, in which case I'd like to play-out my eligibility). We've got a LONG way to go. However (and this is where "setting the table" comes in), we have joint bank accounts in place (with enough money for a sizable down-payment on a house) to supplement our own personal accounts, and we're beginning to make "contacts" which will be very helpful in finding us good jobs/careers once we're ready to enter The Real World. Do we have it all figured-out? No way. But we're working on it.

Are we going to be getting married in the next 1-2 years? No. Is it a possibility down the road? Absolutely. She realizes (and appreciates) that I want to make sure that our transition to Adulthood is as seamless as possible. Being forced into maturity and responsibility is going to be a big enough shock for me...I don't think I would be able to handle having rent and car payments and taxes and food on top of that without preparing ahead of time.

Am I saying that there is a "Right" and "Wrong" way to do this? No. But there is a "Safe(er)" and an "Unsafe."

Getting married will not creat a financial strain. There is no cost to being married (assuming the parents pay for the wedding). Being married can actually make financial sense. Two incomes supporting one household is easier than supporting two. Economy of scale. Not to mention the tax benefits. The only financial downside is in the event of a divorce. And you better watch out too.....a few more years and you will be common law married! LOL

As for your girlfriend and you playing house and sharing checking accounts. Sounds like you are afraid to commit, even though you are doing it already. Marriage down the road, house, shared accounts.....whats is stopping you?

And mark my words bro: If she is saying she is mature and emotionally ready for marriage, and only has one year left with school, you have only one year, two max after she is out of school to get over your fear and start seriously talking marriage. If you keep the whole marriage thing as a "possibility", she will be gone. 4 years in already....as soon as she graduates, the clock will be ticking for you Bro....trust me. And that ticking can be sneaky as they wont always come right out and say it.....but it will 100% be there....tick tock....tick tock.

And there is most certainly not a "safer" way to do it. I lived with my g-friend for two years before proposing....but studies show that couples playing house before marriage actually have a greater rate of divorce. So dont fool yourelf that your plan is "smarter". By waiting too long, you just may smart yourself single!

However, you should never do something you arent ready for. Your friend seems to be ready. Perhaps you arent. But do yourself a favor. Truly evaluate the situation honestly and look into your heart of hearts to see if your decision is the right one. Marriage is a big step no doubt, but try to see the real reason why you do or dont want it. I dont want you to be sitting on your couch one day, trying to figure out what went wrong, and why she left. Trying to figure out why you couldnt see that she wanted the commitment, and why you couldnt make the commitment. Sometimes it is a leap of faith you have to take to get to the next level. Not saying it wont happen, but I have seen it happen too many times.

Just know that marriage is invariably a lot of work, but it is also one of the most rewarding things you can do in life. It can also lead to a family....and trust me as if your life depended on it....having children and a great marriage will change your life in ways you cant imagine. it can be hard at times, butthe sense of security you have, and the depth of love you will experience will not be equalled by anything you can experience in this world.

I think you will be fine. You cant plan life.....Trust your heart, because as you know...the best laid plans of mice and men.......