funniest jokes

[Sven 1]

Now thats a good one ^_^

[hunter4oz 0]

this one is a polish joke, i am polish myself but if it offends anyone just let me know.

There are 3 prisoners in a prison wating on death row. they are all scheduled for 3 days in a row to be executed and they get to choose the way they want to die.

the first man says, "ill go with the electric chair , i just want to get this over with".

so the time comes and they get it all ready and put him in it. they pull the switch and nothing happens. the warden walks in a says,"well we cant make you do it again because its not legal, so you are free to go". then the second man walks in and the warden asks him how he wants it. the man quickly said, "ill take the electric chair", knowing that it was broke and that he would be set free. the warden said ok and put him in. the same thing happens, the chair does not work, and they have to let him go because of the state law. then the third man walks in, who is polish. the warden says," how do you want to go "? the polish man says, "well the electric chair hasnt been working, and i dont like needles, so ill take the hanging

[hocckey77 0]

I had a priest at my high school who had a great sense of humor.  He loved Michael Jackson jokes.  My personal favorite of his:

What did the mom on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun.

Haha thats a good one.

Yeah, I haven't heard that on before.

[top_shelf_24 0]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a#@hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

isnt the punchline better with " no shit what position did she play?" :P

[Buzz_LightBeer 969]

(guys talking in locker room, on their way to the shower)

-You know, you're getting so fat, that pretty soon, you wont be able to see your d--k anymore, i think you should diet..

-Why, what color is it now?

[Chadd 916]

A man walked into the produce section of  his local supermarket and asked to  buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working  in that department told him that  they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The  man was insistent that the boy  ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a#@hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

isnt the punchline better with " no shit what position did she play?" :P

No. :D

[kovalchuk71 212]

Why do women have boobs?

So you got something to look at while your talking to 'em :D

(Peter- Family Guy)

Sorry if that offended anyone ;)

[pantherfan 0]

if i haad 2 fish i'd name them 1 and 2 so if 1 died i'd still have 2

[M-Cohen 0]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history...

[David_h13 0]

Personal favorite

Kid walks upto his dad and asks, whats the difference between "actually" and "potentially"

Dad says "well son, actually means like "real" and potential is what could happen.

Kid gives a blank stare, and says I don't get it

Dad says go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars, kid runs up and asks, sister goes, "yes, of course". He comes back and tells his Dad the answer, the Dad says okay, now go ask you're mom, kid runs out back, asks his mom the same questions to a resounding "in a heartbeat". He comes back and tells his Dad. His Dad sits him down and says now you see, "potentially", you and I are sitting on $2 million dollars, but "actually" we just live with a couple of whores.

lmfao thats a good one

[EBondo 233]

if i haad 2 fish i'd name them 1 and 2 so if 1 died i'd still have 2

That was stupid...

[pantherfan 0]

i know but its funny how its so stupid IMO

[Vapor#42 0]

Personal favorite

Kid walks upto his dad and asks, whats the difference between "actually" and "potentially"

Dad says "well son, actually means like "real" and potential is what could happen.

Kid gives a blank stare, and says I don't get it

Dad says go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars, kid runs up and asks, sister goes, "yes, of course". He comes back and tells his Dad the answer, the Dad says okay, now go ask you're mom, kid runs out back, asks his mom the same questions to a resounding "in a heartbeat". He comes back and tells his Dad. His Dad sits him down and says now you see, "potentially", you and I are sitting on $2 million dollars, but "actually" we just live with a couple of whores.

lmfao thats a good one

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! :lol:

[Sven 1]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked

the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited

for it to say something.The bird looked around the oom, then at her, and said:

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's really not so bad.When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw and said: "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then

began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,"Hi, Keith."

[hunter4oz 0]

lmfao that parrot joke is great

:lol:

[forsberg91 0]

Yeah thats hilarious.

[2-Keys 1]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history...

wow now i know y women are how they are. if only adam hadnt been so damn cheep! :lol:

[Sven 1]

I dont get it... Maybe its cause of the translation from english to german and the real joke/punchline is something like a saying

[echi24 1]

there was a couple who had been married for 5 years. they then started having problems, and one night the wife kicked the husband out of the house, and threw all his belongings onto the street. however, the husband recieved a call the next morning from his wife, and she asked "why is there a shoebox with $1000 and three beer bottles in your closet?". Then the husband replied, "I have to admit, every time i cheated on you, I would have a drink, and put the bottle in that box. When the box got full, I would cash in the bottles."

[asdfa 0]

woman = time x money

since time is money,

money=time

therefore woman = money x money

since money is the root of all problems

money = square-root (problems)

therefore,

woman = (square-root problems ) squared

cancel out the square root and squared

woman = problems

[sogaduch 0]

one day in hell theres two leafs fans standing around smiling and as satan passes by he asks" why are you happy" well said one of the guys were from toronto and its pretty cold up there. next day satan decides to turn up the heat even hotter and he passes by them and there sweating but still very happy cause of the weather, seeing this upsets satan so the next day he makes it freezing cold in hell and he walks by the two guys and there still smiling and jumping up and down. Amazed at this satan asks why are you so happy now, well replied one of the guys people always used to say the leafs will win the cup the day hell freezes over

[gavin 0]

Two blonds, a duck and Chuck Norris walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them all and says "Wait, is this some kind of joke??"

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food. They serve it to him and he eats it all, wipes his mouth and leaves a 200$ bill on the table. As he's heading out, he pulls out two Uzzis and shoots the place out, leaving nothing but bodies and smashed glass. The bar owner runs after the Panda and screams at him "Why did you just do that to my bar???!?!" The pands tells him to look in the dictionary. Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.

[KYHockey3 0]

hah

HELLO OLD TOPIC!

why do pilgrams pants always fall down?

because their belts are on their hats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahaha

[Hooah4 12]

A very ugly woman walks into Walmart with her two kids.

The greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

"No," the ugly woman says, "he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think

they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[ash_96 0]

Ok this is my favourite at the moment....

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is

lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."