8 guys on every beer league team

[CapsFan 5]

A frind of mine sent this to me and I'd thought I'd share. Enjoy!

8 guys on every beer league team

Mike Halford and Jason Brough, The Province

Published: Sunday, August 31, 2008

It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in Canada: summer and hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the former starts with the hoisting of the Stanley Cup as fans in an American city celebrate. The latter officially kicks off after Labour Day weekend.

In fact, there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the September dawn of a new season.

Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like "Just the Tips" and "Nine-Inch Males," but don't be fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together.

As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:

The Ringer

Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening faceoff.

Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is free hockey. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the Division-7 title.

The Young Guy

At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence catches up by Christmas. Ten to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.

The Old Guy

Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him, even though his gloves reach up to his armpits and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. "Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift."

The Tardy Goalie

Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time.

The Beginner

Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to take up hockey in adulthood. On the other, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick. How does that knock you over? And now you're offside.

The Complete Psycho

Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt.

The Naked Guy

Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, too, and you'll maintain eye contact like your life depended on it.

The Guy with the New Girlfriend

A good way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to five games, tops, so it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the wife, at which point he'll never miss another game.

[tsiarls79 0]

hahaha! hilarious! thanks for posting, bud!

[dangle 0]

The Naked Guy

Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, too, and you'll maintain eye contact like your life depended on it.

:lol: :lol:

[Stampeder 2]

I'm a good example of The young guy last year, probably going to puke tomorrow when I hit the ice the first time for the winter.

[Jarick 5]

That's exactly like our hockey team last year :lol:

The Ringer - ours had double the points of almost anyone else and got forced to move up a level

The Young Guy - could have been me or my buddy

The Old Guy - hah, we had one of these guys but he wasn't exactly wily

The Tardy Goalie - luckily, ours was good, but we had a guy who would show up right at warmups and get dressed and hit the bench just before the puck drops

The Beginner - definitely had one of those, very frustrating

The Complete Psycho - our captain cranked Slayer in the car and screamed at us from the bench the whole time, it was a riot

The Naked Guy - we nicknamed him Naked Boy Nellie. Spent more time in a towel than in clothes.

The Guy with the New Girlfriend - same as the late guy for us, didn't show up for half the games

[Kevin 5]

Don't forgot the opposite of "naked guy," the guy who does not shower after hockey.

[_HSB_b345t 0]

I'll admit it: I'm the naked guy.

Shut up! It's a locker room and we're all adults.

[automorph 0]

lol article is spot on................. :lol:

[Chadd 916]

I'll admit it: I'm the naked guy.

Shut up! It's a locker room and we're all adults.

We used to have one guy who would stand naked right in front of you while you were changing, drove everyone nuts.

[SuperMan3 1]

I'm also a naked guy, surprisingly enough, the other naked guy and I shared the same name

[eric42434224 1]

Don't forgot the opposite of "naked guy," the guy who does not shower after hockey.

I dont shower after games. I just bring a dry set of clothes and shower at home, as does everyone on my team. First, we have a girl on the team, so that makes thing a bit uncomfortable....but the real reason is the showers. Seriously, how many hockey rinks clean, or heaven forbid disinfect, their showers? I have never seen the showers at my rink cleaned, and it is a very nice rink. I will not take a shower where I am sure to get atheletes foot, and actually become dirtier after I am done.

I dont understand why anyone would use a shower that isnt seriously cleaned regularly. A public shower and bathroom should be cleaned daily, but we all know that doesnt happen. Its like the bathrooms at Burger King or a Gas station....they have that paper on the wall with the initials of the employee who supposedly checked the bathroom and cleaned it every hour. Yet there is no toilet paper, and shit smeared on the wall. No thanks.

edit: and the rink I play open hockey at doesnt even have showers.

[dix0r 0]

i'd probably be the drunk guy. the one who's finished 4 beers before anyone's even reached for their second. always last to leave, unless someone forgot refreshments.

[Viking 1]

When I was 18, I played on my girlfriend's dad's team, where everyone else was 40+... They were hoping for The Ringer, but all they got was The Young Guy.

[wildebeest 0]

Don't forgot the opposite of "naked guy," the guy who does not shower after hockey.

I dont shower after games. I just bring a dry set of clothes and shower at home, as does everyone on my team. First, we have a girl on the team, so that makes thing a bit uncomfortable....but the real reason is the showers. Seriously, how many hockey rinks clean, or heaven forbid disinfect, their showers?...

Exactly. That, and it's 10pm, not like I have to get back to work after the game. I'll just shower at home, thanks.

[eric42434224 1]

One time, I got home at midnight from open hockey. My wife and I had been arguing earlier in the day, and I walk in the bedroom and she starts in on me again. So to get her back, I go out and watch some TV until she is asleep, and then crawl in to bed with her still wearing my stinky clothes, and quietly went to sleep. She woke up at 3am, and was so pissed, and told me to go take a shower, to which I quietly said "no", put in earplugs and went back to sleep. :)

[Stampeder 2]

Don't forgot the opposite of "naked guy," the guy who does not shower after hockey.

I dont shower after games.

This is disgusting kids, you never want to be like this.

No matter how gross a shower may be a man should shower after playing hockey. A girl is in the room? I'm sure she wont care if guys have their towels wrapped around them to and from the shower. Just wash your balls is all I'm saying.

[eric42434224 1]

I dont shower after games.

This is disgusting kids, you never want to be like this.

It is only disgusting if the shower is cleaner than you are after 1.5 hours of Hockey.

Anyone who showers in a dirty, scum covered, urinated in shower is disgusting.

I would need another shower at home to clean myself after taking a shower at my rink.

Enjoy the athelets foot and jock itch. :(

No matter how gross a shower may be a man should shower after playing hockey.

Um....we do....just in a clean shower at home. Not sure why anyone would have a problem with that. Unless you are a person who will be licking the sweaty balls of a hockey player after a game. Im not one of those people....are you?

A girl is in the room? I'm sure she wont care if guys have their towels wrapped around them to and from the shower.

When the shower doorway is open to the locker room, it is not appropriate.

Just wash your balls is all I'm saying.

Again, not sure why you are so concerned with what other guys balls smell/taste/look like.

EDIT: By the way, LOVE the avatar. The Hedgehog is the MAN

[Jarick 5]

I shower when I get home. Why would it be essential to shower immediately? It's not like I'm wearing those clothes the next day either. Grubby jeans and a baggy shirt and my Shock Doctor shorts.

[eric42434224 1]

I shower when I get home. Why would it be essential to shower immediately? It's not like I'm wearing those clothes the next day either. Grubby jeans and a baggy shirt and my Shock Doctor shorts.

I dont get what the problem is either. I find guys trying to get other guys to shower with them at the rink a little odd.

[Rustpot 1]

I like a shower that starts hot, ends hot, has my shampoo, good soap, and that I can stand in for a good 20 minutes after hockey. Can't get any of those in the locker room, and the clothes were worn for a day and getting washed already.

It's usually the naked guy that brings shampoo, conditioner, sandals, etc.

And my goalie buddy we always play with shows up when everyone's stepping onto the ice and is the fastest guy undressed - he's got a mission to spend the least amount of time at the rink possible, I swear.

[Stampeder 2]

Its always great to go to the lounge for a beer after with guys like you, or to drive you home in your glorious stench. I think it's gross that you don't even care about stinking up your vehicle. Guys that don't shower after hockey never understand how grossed out everyone else is of this fact.

[eric42434224 1]

Its always great to go to the lounge for a beer after with guys like you, or to drive you home in your glorious stench. I think it's gross that you don't even care about stinking up your vehicle. Guys that don't shower after hockey never understand how grossed out everyone else is of this fact.

Not one single player on my team showers. The showers are disgusting.

Not showering and putting dry clothes on after hockey does not stink up your car.

I dont get close enough to other guys to smell them, thanks.

You sir, are far to involved with what other men do and how they smell.

Its hockey....if you have issues with stink, you are in the wrong sport dude.

[pantherfan 0]

Haha, shower thread I love it ;)

I take a quick shower while I'm at the rink just to feel a little less grimey and then head on home to have another. That may make me sound like a clean freak but I've just never been able to get the hockey smell out with a quick rink shower especially on my hands.

[sitzlejd 0]

ahhh...showering; dividing hockey players for decades.

When the rink was 2 mins from my house, I didn't bother. Now that I live about 45 mins away, it's a must.

That said, does anyone play at a rink with the "blue goo"? At college the showers had dispensers with a blue shampoo/soap that worked great. More community rinks should think about this. It can't cost that much and I really appreciated not having to remember my own products.

[mattzilla 0]

the water coming out of the damn pipes is still clean, stop whining. Im not exactly a clean freak.. wear sandals! the floors are fucking gross!

even if i forget soap or a towel i still rinse off. i dont want that smell lingering on me.

there would have to be poo coming out of the pipes for me not to shower.