Engaged and Underage

[LkptTiger 1]

My 20-year-old best friend just called me with news that he had just proposed to his girlfriend of one year (anniversary is today, actually), that she accepted, that they (and their families) had already set a date for 12/29/09, and that he wants me to be his best man.

Beyond the obvious "BACHELOR PARTY!!!" reaction, I don't even know what to think. I didn't see this coming at all. I'm not really sure how he got himself the impression that he (or his girlfriend/fiancée) is/are ready for this. Furthermore, I just can't believe his parents are on board with this.

Personally, I've been dating my girlfriend for about four years now, and can't even imagine giving serious thought into popping the question yet...and I don't think I would be comfortable with the thought that any of our family members would condone it.

I'm just really, really struck by this. I guess I'm happy for them...but I definitely don't think they're doing the right thing.

[JR Boucicaut 3803]

Some people have different philosophies/priorities. Simple as that.

[mack 44]

Well, best of luck to them both because it's a rough road even when you're not as young as they.

[DarkStar50 679]

Well, best of luck to them both because it's a rough road even when you're not as young as they.

Amen to that brother.

Then once she gets prego in the first year............

Just live together for a year or so. Even that is not totally like saying "I do" but it helps.

You know why the ring is around the bull's nose, don't you? So he can get jerked around.

[Roach 0]

It could have been planned, it could have been spur of the moment, then again, it could have been the fact that they were ready to get married at the tender age of 20 as preposterous as it sounds. I am all of 30 years old. It took me 5 years and the missus to get pregnant with our twins (and a whole lotta alcohol) to finally be ready for proposing and marrying her. Each to his own. Some are ready earlier than others, some are ready later than others, some are never ready or just never get around to crossing that bridge.

My unsolicited advice - your best bud is counting on you now to be supportive of whatever decision he makes. Good luck with that and to your best bud.

[fatwabbit 93]

agree with Roach... unless the girl is going to harm your friend in some way, you just have to be as supportive as possible.

Btw, at the wedding reception, make sure that you have a bunch of guys to help. I had lots of help at my wedding, my best man and myself didnt have to make any decisions. We had some relatives in charge of the food, one uncle in charge of the alcohol, one for the guest list, etc etc. That way, you dont have to do anything but try to get thru it without any major dramas.

[Allsmokenopancake 0]

Dated for 2 years, engaged for 2 more, and just had the 4th anniversary in October, I was 27 when I got married, and thought I was young!!!

[ThePurpleCobra 0]

a couple that was in my graduating class (last year) at 18 years old he just proposed to her, ridiculous

[jeffw 1]

I got married at 22. In hindsight it was too young but at the time I was sure it was the way to go. The marriage was over in 5 years On the plus side at 41 I'm still young enough to do stuff like play hockey with my son who is almost 18.

[Rustpot 1]

I was with a girl for almost 5 years, we had plans of getting married and all that. The last 10 months were all downhill and we split just after I moved to Philly for a semester.

I can't imagine marrying so early, especially now that my first relationship to last more than 3 months ended the way it did. I'm only 22, but no way in hell was I going to be doing anything more than buying a ring until we settled after college.

Some people change a lot over the course of college years...

I can't believe how many fewer phone minutes I'm using and how many books I've read, games I've played and things I've done since we split. Being tied down in college SUCKS!

[Spreedizzle 1]

That's the main reason that they pass out free condoms at the student health center. ;)

[thejackal 46]

2 yrs out of HS and I know for 3-4 ppl in my grade who are already married/having kids. makes me feel old and lucky at the same time, thank heavens nothing unplanned happened.

[ktang 34]

Most people's personalities still evolve until their late 20's - early 30's (or so I've read), so getting married younger than that is rolling the dice.

I got married at 25 (16 yrs ago), and we are still together, luckily. But others that I've known who got married that young are mostly divorced / remarried.

In the old, old days, when people never got divorced and life expectancy was shorter, it might have been more common to get married quite young.

Good luck to the original poster's friend and his fiancee.

[LkptTiger 1]

I just spent some time with them tonight. They're happy together and she's good to him - but there was one thought that just kept coming back the whole night: "We're just kids." Hell, I'm doing my best to put myself in a position where I don't have to "grow-up" for as long as possible...but he's putting himself into hyper-speed.

We've spent most of our summers since we were four years old doing whatever kind of random stuff that we could think of - whatever we wanted, pretty much whenever we wanted (provided I didn't have hockey, he didn't have basketball and we didn't have baseball). Now we're just getting to the point where we're going to be old enough to really enjoy some freedoms (spontaneous roadtrips, bars - we're both getting closer to legality here in the States - ...just random, crazy shit), and he's gotta go and get himself a ball-and-chain...You only have so long to really have yourself a good time without worrying about too many serious consequences, and he's giving it all up.

I don't get it.

[mack 44]

Some people just "grow up" at various times and rates. Contrary to the board, I've had to grow up since being shipped off to school as a kid. I think that just retards some parts of maturity while accelerating others. And again, sometimes you just know. And sometimes you're Britney Spears.

[foppa21 0]

I just spent some time with them tonight. They're happy together and she's good to him - but there was one thought that just kept coming back the whole night: "We're just kids." Hell, I'm doing my best to put myself in a position where I don't have to "grow-up" for as long as possible...but he's putting himself into hyper-speed.

We've spent most of our summers since we were four years old doing whatever kind of random stuff that we could think of - whatever we wanted, pretty much whenever we wanted (provided I didn't have hockey, he didn't have basketball and we didn't have baseball). Now we're just getting to the point where we're going to be old enough to really enjoy some freedoms (spontaneous roadtrips, bars - we're both getting closer to legality here in the States - ...just random, crazy shit), and he's gotta go and get himself a ball-and-chain...You only have so long to really have yourself a good time without worrying about too many serious consequences, and he's giving it all up.

I don't get it.

Just an outside observation here, but it sounds like you're more bitter about this friend being taken away from you by his bride-to-be than anything else.

[gelowitz 0]

I just spent some time with them tonight. They're happy together and she's good to him - but there was one thought that just kept coming back the whole night: "We're just kids." Hell, I'm doing my best to put myself in a position where I don't have to "grow-up" for as long as possible...but he's putting himself into hyper-speed.

We've spent most of our summers since we were four years old doing whatever kind of random stuff that we could think of - whatever we wanted, pretty much whenever we wanted (provided I didn't have hockey, he didn't have basketball and we didn't have baseball). Now we're just getting to the point where we're going to be old enough to really enjoy some freedoms (spontaneous roadtrips, bars - we're both getting closer to legality here in the States - ...just random, crazy shit), and he's gotta go and get himself a ball-and-chain...You only have so long to really have yourself a good time without worrying about too many serious consequences, and he's giving it all up.

I don't get it.

Just an outside observation here, but it sounds like you're more bitter about this friend being taken away from you by his bride-to-be than anything else.

Valid point, but wouldn't it make much more sense if he was worried about his best friends future? Sometimes marrying at an early age can have it's ups but it can have a lot more downs.

[mack 44]

Not to say that isn't the case, but a lot of friends feel the sting of "losing one" to growing up.

[LkptTiger 1]

I had given that theory some thought. Ultimately, though, I can't say I'm all that concerned with "losing him" due to the marriage. We're practically brothers - not even nuptials are going to get between us.

I'm more worried about him waking-up in 15-20 years and (whether he's still with her or not) realizing that he missed-out on a lot, and gained nothing (or at least near nothing) in the process. He's got the rest of his life to get married - I fail to understand why he's in a rush.

[Rustpot 1]

He's got the rest of his life to get married - I fail to understand why he's in a rush.

Security, I would say is one reason. One of the best things about being in a committed, long-term relationship coming out of high school, for me, was the sense of security. Everything changes in your life, and you say you're almost brothers now but who knows what college and 5 years will do to that. I lost contact with nearly everyone from high school, and it will likely happen again as I graduate college and move away. Knowing that one's search for a mate is over is a big weight off the shoulders, and it was the biggest shock for me coming out of the relationship I had.

[li7039 0]

I work in a church office of all things. (gotta make some cash to buy the gear) And out of 10 couples that are getting married i would say at least 4 to 6 of them had a prior marriage, and of those people that need a divorce decree most seem to be in there late 20s to mid 30s. So my advice from the person that covers most of your paper work, make sure she is the ONE. Weddings are expensive too, no sense in throwing cash out the window, except if you go thru my church than come on in.

[Law Goalie 147]

There are all sorts of things that can go wrong - or right. Right time, wrong girl; right girl, wrong time; right girl and right time but wrong situation. If you need everything including affirmative astral alignment in order to get married, you're looking too hard; if it's too easy, there's an equal problem.

I got married young (I had just turned 27, wife just shy of 23), and it's been great. Not perfect, not horrible, not merely good or just OK - great. We'd never have got to where we are without each other: in that sense, it's been an effective partnership. We're also annoyingly in love, but very clear on some things (eg. no kids until all graduate work complete; hockey trumps anniversaries but penance must be paid.)

On the other hand, her absurd little gnome of a rector insisted, to her face, that no women could marry before 27 because 'they were not themselves yet,' and that I had to be baptised because 'it would set a precedent of separation' if she took communion at the wedding and I didn't (which is a position so theologically insupportable that I might as well have sworn allegiance to Malthusianism at the altar). We found another priest who actually knew her, and he laughed himself hoarse when we told him about it.

As to the OP, support your friend. He's going to need some time away from her, and she from him no less, and you can help by providing it. He'll also need some major perspective checks from time to time. Living that closely with another person can be a Brobdignagian experience: proportions disappear, mountains become molehills, etc., etc. Periodically getting him ripped out of his mind after pick-up is an excellent help to his marriage: he'll get chided, but largely in jest, and she'll appreciate him more for it.

[MLSman 22]

I have to agree with Law. He's your friend, so you probably know him well enough to know his ability to tolerate and listen to "raw advice". Be there for him in his time of happiness/stupidity/ignorance...whatever you may think it is. If it doesn't work out, you know who he will look to for support. If it does work out, you will be able to participate in their lives.

[JJ Thompson94 0]

I"m 22 and I've been in a long termer since I was 18. We've lived together for a bit over a year now and we bought a dog together. I'm not officially married but, my buddies basicly say I am. Thankfully, my girlfriend and I love to give each other our space. We live on different schedules, she works 9-5, and I have a part time, grad school and college hockey, there are a bunch of days when we see each other for an hour before someone goes to sleep.

The space really makes us miss each other and when we get a full day together, we enjoy each others company even more, whether it's going out or just staying in. And, honestly though sometimes it feels like we're married, we're not and it's nice not to have the government in my relationship. And after grad school, if we still want to, we just may decide to throw a party and have a threesome with New York State.

Really, I couldn't imagine getting married now. I don't know why, the day after the wedding would be exactly the way it is now, but it seems like a longer commitment. But congrats to your friend, hopefully she's the right girl for him and all goes well, don't forget to be his "best" man that day.

[Chadd 916]

"When two people are under the influence

of the most violent, most insane, most delusive,

and most transient of passions,

they are required to swear

that they will remain in that excited, abnormal,

and exhausting condition continuously

until death do them part." -G B Shaw

That seems to sum it up